Aloicious

2012-01-24T22:48:00.000-07:00

My life nowadays is this giant pendulum, swinging, always. OH MY HOLY *#%#& THEY'VE EMPTIED EVERY DRAWER IN THE KITCHEN, a now we snuggle peacefully on the couch with sippy cups and someone sighs "I love you mommy", OH MY EFF SOMEONE KNOCKED OVER AN ENTIRE BOX OF CEREAL ##*$^&##&#%^%, it's after nap time and the boys are hugging for like 5 minutes straight and telling each other they love each other, SERIOUSLY IT'S 4 MINUTES LATER AND FRANKY HAS RAN DREW OFF THE ROAD WITH HIS LIGHTENING MCQUEEN CAR AND THERE MAY OR MAY NOT BE BLOOD.And back and forth we go, all day long.

But I am more a good parent than I am a crappy one.

Today I yelled a couple of times and got impatient and had to let each of them throw a temper tantrum in their beds (separate incidents) but I also gave a lot a lot a lot (as Franky would say) kisses and sang the Little Einsteins theme song with the word "poop" replacing a lot of the words and laughed till my stomach hurt along with my three year old.

I'd say about once or twice a week I count the minutes until Zach comes home and I can just be away from them for a little bit, or do something mindless without wondering what mess I will find while they are in the other room.

People always say "it goes so fast, enjoy every moment" and I've realized that is just kind of silly. I'm going to enjoy the blissful moments and curse under my breath at the not so great ones and try and do my best by my boys. I'll come up with new strategies an coping skills when the current ones fail me and just keep becoming the kind of mom I want to be.

I also watch Hoarders quite a bit. I makes me feel much better about the state of this house full of boys.

Also, this is pretty friggin adorable!

love, ali

Friendship

2011-12-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

Since I've moved out to the burbs I've experienced a lot of changes. Some really obvious ones include: new house with room to move, new city, a new baby, a new church, etc. But something very unexpected has happened to me out here. I find myself surrounded by friends.

Friendship is something I've struggled with since I was a child. And I know a lot of people had it so much worse than me. But I was bullied a little bit in elementary school and it left scars I'm just now beginning to realize exist (thanks, therapy). And then in junior high and high school I blossomed and met some really amazing people I still think about often and miss to this day. But in my "adult life", I've really struggled to meet people and feel the same kind of connection I had with my high school buddies.

But here I am, at twenty six years old, and I find myself buoyed up by this amazing network of girlfriends. And I feel so blessed. These women. I can't even describe how good it feels to know someone has your back no matter what. They overlook my flaws and my insecurities and they just love me for who I am. They appreciate the things I am good at and they are generous with their support and encouragement, not to mention the various acts of service I witness on an almost daily basis. It's very humbling at times. They have taught me what it means to be a friend and in turn I have found myself developing a small taste of this love called charity.

I don't know if there is really a single reason for why things happen they way they do but I really believe we moved to this particular house in this particular neighborhood so I could experience these friendships. And I am so much better for having them in my life.

love, ali

Recent reads

2011-11-29T22:30:00.000-07:00

I love books. I love the way they smell and the weight of them in my hands. I have a special fondness for used books with dogeared pages and notes in the margins.

I'm afraid I could never own a Kindle or the like. I love owning books and hope to be a crazy grandma who refuses to acknowledge that the rest of society has moved on while I sit in my big library, surrounded by a mizillion old farty books. It's better than cats right?

Here are a few I have read recently:

I cried in spite of myself. Beautifully written, makes me want to make out. Just sayin...

My sister said I had to read this before I see the movie. And I want to see the movie. But the book was lovely really. I loved the relationships between the characters. It made me ache for my brother Mitch who is far far away in Korea. There were a few slow parts but most of the time I couldn't put it down.

I read this in about three days. It was a page turner and I would highly recommend it. I loved the dynamics between the main character and her frienemies. I empathized with this girl a lot which made me enjoy the read that much more.

love, ali

Thanksgiving

2011-11-25T23:52:00.002-07:00

I'm a day (or two) late and a dollar short. But here, in no particular order, are a handful of the things I am particularly grateful for this year:

My friends (not all pictured, of course)

Photography and the people it brings into my life

What this sport does for my mind, body and soul

These little guys

This big guy

Happy T-day!

love, ali

The SLC

2011-11-23T22:21:00.002-07:00

Had the opportunity to take some family pics in downtown Salt Lake today. I miss it. I'm not gonna lie. I get a little homesick every time I find myself down there. Especially now, as I scan the busy streets with a photographers eye. I miss the food and the greenery and the people. I could live there again in a heartbeat. But I could never afford my current home in the burbs were it located in the city. And I'd have to leave all my friends. Bloom where you're planted, right?

love, ali

Good riddance

2011-11-20T22:23:00.004-07:00

So I want to blog more. And write more letters to my missionary brother. And write in my real journal more often. And I had this big plan for Sundays. There's always time to write on Sunday!

And then today happened. And today was really really crappy. And it's all my fault. Which makes the crappiness of this day all that much worse.

I am a worrier. I worry about dumb things. Little things. Little people. Things and people and the things they may or may not think or do that in 5 years, or 5 month really won't be a blip on the radar.

And I'm learning to not let those things rule my life.

But I didn't today. Today I moped around and let my bad mood rule the day. I got annoyed at the kids and argued with my husband. And Franky was a wild man, going from room to room wreaking havoc (this is not an exaggeration).

I just wish someone would come over and tell me what to do with this kid sometimes. I know I'm doing something wrong, I just don't know how to fix it. It it an ADD thing? Is he not getting enough attention?

It's like the potty training issue. He totally knows how to go on the potty. And there have been times I've really pushed it. But he's backslid so much that now he won't even tell me when he's pooped in his diaper which often results in diaper rash and me being EXTREMELY annoyed.

I love these little boys, I love them so much. But that doesn't mean that really crappy days don't exist in the parenting department over here.

love, ali

PS. Here are some pictures I found of happier times from the summer, before seasonal defective disorder began ruling our lives.

Thoughts on religion

2011-11-17T12:15:00.000-07:00

Honesty.

God help me, it's so hard for me to do. I don't mean to say that I am a liar (although I can't say I've never lied). But to just be who I am without apologies or censorship and to be honest about who I really am and what I believe. That is something I struggle with.

Most often I want to be who you want me to be. Did we conversate today? You can almost guarantee I was thinking carefully about the words I was saying and how they would be perceived. To the point of obsession at times, I can assure you. And that is not something I admit with ease.

I am uncertain about many things. Though i don't really know if uncertain is the right phrase. Searching? Maybe? Indecisive. Insecure. Trying to find the right fit.

Lately I've been thinking a lot lately about my beliefs in a Higher Power. I was raised in a Mormon family and I attend a Mormon church. I serve with a group of women charged with leading the young ladies in my congregation. I pray on a daily basis. I search my scriptures for inspiration and guidance. I partake of the sacrament with a purposeful heart.

And yet... and here's the honesty part: not every single thing about Mormon doctrine makes my heart sing.

And so I've been searching, heart and soul and doctrine and other people with real life experience, and I've spent a lot of time on my knees.

So here comes the honesty part: I believe that I have a Savior who loves me. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that it will be a joyous day when I return to his loving arms after this life. I know that we are here for a purpose and that mostly that purpose is to do the best we can to help each other and learn to love each other and honestly, this religion helps me do that.

Love, ali

Neglect

2011-10-18T23:26:00.002-06:00

I'm sorry bloggy. You have been suffering from severe neglect. Usually when I don't blog for a long time it's because things are not going well. But I can honestly say that is not the case. In fact, it's about as far from the case as you can get. I am just really, really busy. Good, better, best, right?

Blogging is good but I've been filling my time lately with things like running, date nights with Zach, taking the kids to the park, kickboxing, girls nights, taking lots and lots of pictures, rough housing my boys, cleaning my house, taking Franky to joy-school, reading good books, reading the good book, reading the other good book, rescuing orphans from kidnappers who make them retrieve giant diamonds from very small caves,

wait. That was just a movie I watched with Franky.

I've been watching a lot of movies with Franky too.

Anyways, I'll get back to regular postings but if we're not friends on Facebook yet, shoot me an add. Then you'll always be eligible for all the up to the minute news on all things "me."

Until next time...

love always,

ali

For Mitch

2011-08-21T21:05:00.000-06:00

For my brother in Korea

SAHM

2011-08-18T13:00:00.000-06:00

This choice is not easy, this stay at home mom gig. I never thought I would say that. It's all I've ever wanted to be. I always thought the choice to stay home with my kids was the easy thing as opposed to simply the best thing. It's exhausting and frustrating mixed with exhilarating and fun and oh so heart warming. But there's good day and bad days, just like in a "job" job. But the difference is that these are my children, they are my everything, and I feel like the stakes are so high...

But I'm learning that it's okay to say "I can't do this 24/7 for weeks at a time without a single break... ever." I'm learning it's okay and even crucial that I have time for myself and my photography is allowing for a lot of that. But when it's not, I'm taking time away from the children to think and learn and grow (and shop and get a pedicure). And it's enabling me to be a better mother.

These photos of me and my boys are such a treasure. As a photographer I don't have a lot of pictures of myself. Especially of me and my kids. And I hope the images I'm creating for people give them the same sort of warm feeling these pictures give me. They make me realize why I do this day in and day out.

love, ali

My most loyal clients

2011-08-18T12:00:00.000-06:00

These guys keep coming back for more. I tell myself it's because of my dynamic personality and good looks.

love, ali

Family Photography - Drew, Krista and baby McCoy

2011-08-12T21:19:00.003-06:00

You know those people that just excel in everything they do in life? Yeah, these guys fit that mold. And at the same time? Salt of the earth.

They are my neighbors and you can't have them. Unless of course, you happen to be one of my other neighbors.

love, ali

This is what I do

2011-08-06T13:57:00.004-06:00

A little bit of what I've been up to lately...

Isn't she just precious? The only way she would sit on this blanket with that look on her face is mom singing "itsy bitsy spider". SO CUTE

Don't worry, I told his mom to get him into modeling immediately. He was so cooperative and happy the entire session. He kept thinking up new poses and asking me to take individual shots of him.

And this little boy. There is just something special about him. Just the sweetest guy, not to mention the rest of this family.

I think the thing I love most about photography is getting to know all of these people. Some of them I've known for years and some I'm meeting through my craft. But the more people I meet the less nervous I become about the social aspect of this job. People are generally kind and loving and excited about the memories we're capturing.

More to come, if you can believe it.

love, ali

Coming up for air

2011-08-04T16:22:00.002-06:00

I know, it's been a while. But I've been so busy I just haven't had blogging time. Mostly just kids stuff and lots of photo sessions. I've got a million photos and various thoughts on life just waiting to be blogged. So watch for those and maybe a self portrait or two since I finally cut off all my hair. =)

A couple of weeks ago we did a little photoshoot for the girls in our ward. Can you believe these girls? Gorgeous. And that field? With that delicious light? Just steps from my front door.

Sometimes it pays to live in the burbs

love, ali

The passing of a patriarch

2011-07-04T17:56:00.006-06:00

We knew his time on earth was coming to an end. On the way home from the Ragnar Zach called to say I wouldn't be coming home to a hot bath and a sorely needed nap. I would be taking a quick shower and then we would be rushing up to the hospital. Grandpa was not doing very well.

That was probably the understatement of the year. As we walked into his room the sight of his body, struggling to hang on to his last moments of life was a stark contrast to the powerful spirit you felt as you entered the room. If you've ever seen someone on the verge of death you probably know what I'm talking about. Painful and emotional. As we looked down on this man whom we loved so much struggling to breathe the spirit spoke so strongly to me in a voice that was not my own:

"We are not our bodies and this is not the end."

Although he had sufferend greatly and we know he is in a better place, the funeral was a very sad and poignant day for our family. But personally it was so sad to see Grandma, sitting in her wheelchair near the casket, fresh from the hospital herself.

I never really understood why they called him "Grumpy." He always greeted us with a hug and a smile and wanted to know all about what was going on in our lives. He was an avid follower of my blog. AVID. Checking my stat counter is a stark reminder of the fact that he is gone. He was the only ninety year old man I knew on Facebook. But we know we will see him again and more importantly we know that Grandma be with him again.

love, ali

Let me count the ways...

2011-06-29T22:13:00.006-06:00

I love that you can talk me out of my anxiety.

I love that you see the best in me and often tell me about it.

I love how you pause a show and make me watch this one part just to see me laugh out loud.

I love the way you calm a sick child even as he's puking all over you.

And that's just from today.

love, wifey

Ragnar 2011

2011-06-20T19:37:00.006-06:00

You wouldn't think riding around in a van for two days with 5 other women, constantly running and getting sweaty with very little sleep would be fun. But I'll tell you something, it's just about the funnest thing I've ever done.

That's AM people. And I'd already been up for about 30 minutes.

There's me!

Between the above two pictures you can see who was all in our van. I was sad we didn't get to know the other half of our team very well but I was so grateful I got to know these women. They are all amazing human beings and such an inspiration to me.

Ragnar was amazing! I don't remember where this picture was taken but just about the entire course was this beautiful. I'm so glad I did it and am already excited for Ragnar 2012!

love, ali

Family Photography for a Cure

2011-06-03T16:18:00.002-06:00

Just in case you haven't heard about this already and might know or be someone who needs family pictures done...

Love, ali

Ok, just two more... but that's it!

2011-06-02T00:25:00.002-06:00

K, sorry. I really am done now.

love, ali

Family portraits

2011-06-01T23:33:00.004-06:00

i love what this couple of photos says about the guy who is my husbands best friend

I loved shooting this family on Tuesday night. Zach and I met at the same time as Kory and Lacie. Kory and Zach were best friends growing up and perpetual roommates in college. They also both married a little bit later in life for the standard Mormon guy (at twenty-five their families had about given up hope). Until they met a couple of sexy nineteen year old girls (that's me a Lacie) and for whatever reason decided they couldn't live without us. We spent our engagements together, double dating, roadtripping to Vegas, camping in the front yard of Lacie's grandparents (don't ask), pretending not to notice when each other was making out in the living room... wait, what?

There's something about a friendship with a history. It's familiar and cozy, talking about old times and remembering everything with the fuzzy glow that accompanies all things sweetened by time.

Anyways, on a techy note, I worked in three very different lighting situations over the course of our session. I'm starting to learn the limitations of my camera. It's just something I'll have to work around until $3,000 magically lands in my lap one day. But really my trusty rusty gets the job done just fine and one day when three grand aint no thang, I'll be so much better off for having had the "uphill both ways in the snow" experience that my current setup presents.

love, ali

Self portrait

2011-05-30T08:29:00.000-06:00

I don't know why but the light in the car is often dreamy.

Yes, I'm trying to grow my hair out. Yes, I just about chop it off every weekend. And then I get a picture of myself looking like this on a good hair day and feel good about my decision to let it linger a little longer. I'm trying to grow it out for Locks of Love. So once that pony tail gets to 10 inches you can kiss those curls goodbye.... probably.

love, ali

Some recent shots and update on me

2011-05-28T22:16:00.004-06:00

This week I photographed my first "newborn" (although this beautiful little girl is almost a month old). It was a fun experience. I wasn't sure what to expect but at least a few of them turned out pretty cute. I also figured out how to use collages. Woo hoo! All my favorite photography blogs have cute collages and I finally got a template so I can use them on mine. It's always fun learning something new.

I was so honored when my friend Magen asked me to photograph her cute family before her husband deploys next week. The love they have for each other and for their children is palpable and I hope it showed in the photos.

Life is good. I've been taking a lot of photos and spending a lot of time doing to the things that make me happy. Namely photographing people I love, sewing, taking my babies to the park and watching Amerian Idol with Zach. Now if the weather would warm up enough to go to the pool... But I'm not complaining.

love, ali

My beautiful Jess...

2011-05-20T08:00:00.001-06:00

I wish I could get married again... to the same man of course! So then I could wear this dress. Like I've said before, photographing someone you love is always so rewarding. And it doesn't hurt if she's also one of the most photogenic people ever born.

love, ali

Run forrest

2011-05-18T14:24:00.000-06:00

I've been running again. Like almost every day. I was lucky enough to have an opportunity to join a team for the Ragnar Relay happening in June and I really can not wait. And this time around I'm realizing why I run and some of my reasons may surprise you... or not.

First and foremost, I love what running does to my body. I'm at a point in my training where my body is really starting to change from a visual standpoint. I can't help it. I am a woman and I am vain and running slims me down as nothing else can. And it's not just the actual running. Throughout the day when I'm making decisions between fruit and chips, or yogurt and doughnuts, I am consistently choosing the healthier option. There's something about seeing results that makes me want to see more results.

Secondly, running makes me feel like a bad ass. I know that sounds like a weird reason to run but when I see people running not only do they usually look great but I always think "now there's someone who's got it together." Obviously I know that just because you run doesn't automatically mean you've got a great life. But when you're taking care of your body there's a good chance you're just taking care of business in other areas of your life as well. And so as I'm out there, cranking my Kanye and doing my thing, I just feel like the cool kid at school. Hopefully that doesn't ironically make me a total dork.

Thirdly, running gives me confidence. It's hard and the first mile ALWAYS sucks. ALWAYS. Period. The end. There's no getting around it. But there's always a first mile and that first mile is probably why most people don't run. Because it's hard. And you're pushing through pain while you're lungs and your muscles adjust to accomplish what you're asking them to do. But after that first mile, when my breathing slows down and my blood is pumping at a normal rate, I always, ALWAYS feel so good. And afterwards, I just can't even explain how great life is after a good long run. It's always better. The sun is always shining brighter because I've done something hard and I'm proud of myself.

I'm not the worlds fastest runner but I'm going to keep doing it and keep working on being faster because the truth is that I love myself when I run. It's me at my best.

love, ali

J + B continued

2011-05-17T09:27:00.002-06:00

Beautiful couple, inside and out. Stay tuned for some gorgeous bridals from this girl.

love, ali

Why I do what I do

2011-05-16T08:00:00.000-06:00

Photographers deal in things which are continually vanishing and when they have vanished there is no contrivance on earth which can make them come back again.

~Henri Cartier-Bresson

Just a small moment

2011-05-13T23:13:00.004-06:00

There was this beautiful moment today. We were playing catch in the living room. You are ALWAYS wanting to play catch. There is this green, plush football with a tail and we throw it, back and forth all day long. And most of the time, if I throw it right to you, you will catch it. And this gives you the greatest sense of pride. But I'll admit, 24/7 football is not my favorite thing in the world. And sometimes I get selfish and keep telling you "in a minute" so many times, it becomes painfully obvious I'm just avoiding it.

But not today. Today I just decided to do whatever you wanted to do (within reason). And catch was it. And we played. For like almost an hour. And we were laughing and you were jumping on the couch and doing flips. And the sun was streaming through the big picture window and you caught like ten in a row. And then you stopped. And then you hopped off your perch, ran into my arms and sighed "I love you mom."

I love you too buddy.

love, mama

A good cause

2011-05-09T15:32:00.004-06:00

Sometimes you run to feel good, sometimes you run to get skinny, sometimes you run for something more...

Donate a few bucks to the American Cancer Society? Click HERE to donate.

love ya lots,

ali

J + B = freaking awesome

2011-05-05T21:39:00.006-06:00

Something happened this night. Something clicked for me in the photography department. The day prior I'd read something on one of my photography blogs, something really techy and boring so I'll spare you. Basically it was a synopsis of the process this particular photographer goes through every time she shoots. And I was suddenly filled with the warmth of the lightbulb that flipped on in my brain.

And that, combined with the amazing couple featured above and the connection we instantly had, good things happened. Good things. Can't wait to show you the rest.

love, ali

Memories

2011-05-04T01:02:00.003-06:00

It was a Monday night, just before sundown. I was on the last mile of a superbly hilly four mile run. My muscles were aching but my lungs were just getting their second wind and there was some wicked good things happening in my headphones. I was walking for a block to catch my breath before sprinting the big slope to my home where my two babies were slumbering peacefully and the husband was probably watching American Idol.

And there they were, three kids sitting on a porch swing. Maybe sixteen, seventeen. A girl and two boys, the girl sat in the middle. Barefoot and leaning against each other, the intimacy of their friendship manifesting itself in their posture. They just sat there talking quietly, smiling now and again. Maybe sharing some inside joke.

I'm not sure what it was about that moment but I felt myself get a little emotional and I just ached for them. And not in a bad way either. Does that even make any sense? Like when you look at your babies and you realize they're really not babies anymore and gosh, they're so funny and amazingly beautiful but you still just ache a little bit for that newborn smell and those little newborn fingers that wrap themselves around your thumb.

And I just had this powerful urge to take their hands, look them in the eye and tell them that nothing would ever be this great or amazing or hard or confusing or FUN and just to hang on and savor every moment because pretty soon they'd be mommies and daddies with mortgages and jobs and laundry and groceries. And I know that's such an old-lady thing to say but, hot damn, I had a glorious time as a teenager and I feel so blessed to be able to have had the friends that I did and the experiences that have brought me here.

I've come to know some really quality folks during my time on this earth. But the ones that were with me during my adolescent years were some of the finest. And those memories are some of my fondest. And I smile when I think of us then and I ache. But in a good way.

love and best wishes and all that jazz,

ali

Sister

2011-04-17T17:52:00.002-06:00

There's no one in the world who knows me the way you do. I'm not sure if it's the same for all siblings but with just eighteen months between us, I literally can't remember life without you. You know my secrets and my fears. My insecurities and my vices. We shared a room and a childhood, friends and many life experiences. You are my best friend and one of the kindest people I know. You are beautiful inside and out. And on Friday you're marrying your soul mate. I anticipate this day will be one of the happiest of my life. I can not wait.

Love, sissy

This treasure

2011-04-11T08:11:00.002-06:00

These words spoke so strongly to me today:

I feel like I have a big basket full of gold coins and I'm walking down the street with the sun shining. I love my basket of coins, and I love the sun. There's a cool breeze and I'm by the ocean. Exactly where I want to be. But it's so full that they keep falling out and I stop every three seconds to pick one up. If I didn't know any better, I'd think they were flopping out on purpose, just to bug me. I can't keep up. So I am never- another one fell - doing - another one fell - enough - another one fell. My basket of coins, it's all I have, it's everything to me, it's a gift beyond my own ability to fully recognize. Hard to manage, yes, worth it, yes, easy? No.

The analogy was so beautifully spot on that it filled my soul with with sweet relief. Yes! That is me! I am that woman! Forever dropping coins! They're so beautiful yes, but can't they just stay in that damn basket for more than a few seconds at a time???

These boys, these beautiful, wonderful, demanding, all-consuming boys, they need me right now. So much so that in order to do it well, everything else suffers. And I'm constantly struggling to remember that this is alright. They are my greatest treasure, exhausting and insufferable at times, but always worthwhile.

love, ali

First things

2011-03-13T08:00:00.000-06:00

Steven Covey has this theory about putting first things first, making sure that your time and energy are being put in the right places and not being squandered. I've been thinking lately that I've been spending a lot of my life worrying about ridiculous things. I've been feeling a LOT of anxiety lately about... pretty much nothing. Not compared to what really matters. And today something clicked and I realized that it's my responsibility to create happiness in my life and equally important to set a tone for my home. I don't know about other mom's, but the saying "if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy" would probably be one of those fancy vinyl sayings on my walls if I didn't think those were super tacky.

What are your "first things"? Here are mine:

Zach
Even though I don't treat him like he is a lot of the time. This one might be the kicker

My babies
Although they are my priority, I sometimes find myself feeling resentful about it. I often fail to fully embrace the fact that at this time in their young lives they are all-consuming. And that is okay.

My physical health
This one's the other kicker. I am just not the type of person who can be fully happy when I'm not working out several times a week. It's just a fact and I've been letting excuses keep me from being my best, most productive, happiest self. No more. This is about to change. In a big way.

My spirituality
Yes, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. That being said, there are certain tenants of the gospel that I have not been living. Tenants I know are vital to my own, personal spiritual health. The main one is attending church. I know, right? Like, that seems pretty basic. I don't think I'm concidered "inactive" because I am ALWAYS there for 3rd hour (YW), and usually 2nd. But that first hour starts at nine AM and I've usually been up all night with little babies and the prospect of attempting to keep my two-year-old from unleashing his destructive powers on the entire congregation for over an hour is not the greatest modivator for me to get out of bed at 7:30 AM on one of the only days Zach is home from work. Lets just say it's been an aweful long time since I've taken the sacrament. But when I am there, God speaks to me. I feel my spiritual cup filled and it's heavy in my hand with love and modivation and the knowledge that my Heavenly Father knows me personally and is cheering my efforts to be a good, kind person and teach my children the same. So while there are times I feel like I've really done my best in the attendance department, there are certainly other times I really just have not made it a priority and therein lies my need to put this first.

I could probably list a dozen more but I guess the point I want to make is that I'm making some changes and taking some responsibility for my own happiness.

love, ali

The sweet

2011-02-21T14:13:00.005-07:00

One of the greatest things I've experienced as a parent has been watching my child learn to reason. It makes me feel like a good parent although I'm sure it doesn't have a lot to do with me at all.

Lately I've really been trying to enforce the "food ONLY at the table" rule. So the other day when Franky wanted to ~~feed his sandwich to the dog~~ eat his grapes on the couch I told him he would need to sit at the table if he wanted to eat. He contemplated this for several seconds as he weighed the choices in his head. A younger Franky would have thrown himself to the floor immediately in an attempt to assert his authority. But a more experienced Franky has learned that there are some things mom doesn't budge on. So after a few moments of reflection he exclaimed "alllllllllllriiiiiiiiiiiiiiight" and sauntered over to his seat at the table.

Another fun thing he's been doing lately is telling me "thank you" unprovoked. Except it actually sounds more like "tank ew". His favorite thing in the world lately is to stand at the sink and play in the running water. Usually when he asks me this I tell him no because it's kind of a big clean up job. At first I would try and control his splashing in an effort to keep everything in the kitchen from getting soaken wet. But it wasn't worth the hassle. So I finally decided that when he wants to do it, I just needs to let him go and clean up afterwards.

Anyways, he asked me if he could "pour the water" the other day and I immediately said yes since he had been such a good, sweet boy that morning. You would have thought I just told him he could eat candy for dinner for the rest of his life! In fact, several times at the sink he just looked up at me and yelled "tanks mom!"

Watching your children grow up is bittersweet. I guess this is what we refer to as "the sweet".

Love, ali

Brothers

2011-02-16T16:13:00.001-07:00

love, ali

Patience

2011-02-04T08:00:00.002-07:00

There are days when I feel like super mom. I wake with a pep in my step and cook up a homemade breakfast of whole wheat pancakes and strawberries. With powdered sugar, because we like it like that. I keep the Ipod shuffling rather than the TV on. We build giant towers with blocks and make funny faces so the baby will laugh. We take long walks down to the fields and when you slip and fall in the mud I don’t even get frustrated. I just pick you up and wipe your tears and show you how to find rocks sticking out of the ground. My patience stretches into the evening hours as you begin pester me while I'm trying to make dinner. I stop what I'm doing and sit down on the kitchen floor so we can roll the ball back and forth. We read more than one book before bed just so I can hold you against my chest and smell your baby shampoo hair as we rock and rock.

But some days I am not patient. I expect more than should be expected of a two year old and I snap at you when you tell me “no” for the gazillionth time. I tell you that you are driving me bananas and put your in your room when you throw a tantrum instead of helping you to talk it out. And when I find you in the bathroom where you had discovered the Ajax and the dandruff shampoo in the unlocked cupboard, instead of being grateful you didn't ingest any of it I put you in your room and listen to you cry while I clean up the mess I made by not keeping a closer eye on you.

But honest to God, my good days outnumber my bad. Of all the things I've ever offered up to my Savior this constant refining of my mothering is most precious. It's almost enough to make me weep. I’m not perfect and I never will be but my love for you is unwavering and thick in my throat, even as I’m writing this. I am trying my very very best to be the kind of mother you deserve. A cozy respite from a cruel world. Your most passionate fan. Your most enthusiastic playmate. It takes a whole lot of patience right now. Maybe by the time you are teenagers, trying my patience in far more sinister ways I will have mastered the patience gig. Until then...

love, mama

Play

2011-01-14T21:59:00.002-07:00

I've got about a half a dozen half written posts. But I'm ~~on vacation~~ at the in-laws so you're getting pictures of playtime. Hope you are getting some playtime in this weekend too!

love, ali

Recent Photos

2011-01-06T21:49:00.003-07:00

This is Stephanie. We were best friends in elementary school and thanks to the magic of Facebook we've reconnected once again. That little baby bump is about to make her appearance so we decided to document the belly.

This is Lexi. She and her parents live just up the street from me. She is the most sought after babysitter in our neighborhood. Franky asks for her by name and she's never even sat for us (I end up calling last minute and this girl books up fast).

I am sort of in a creative rut right now. I spend most of my time browsing the web, researching photography equipment I can't afford. But I know the most sophisticated equipment in the world won't make up for my lack of experience and I should really be spending that time shooting shooting shooting. So I plan on doing just that in 2011.

love, ali

The big things

2010-12-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

Being the mother of two very small boys is a bit overwhelming at times. Tantrums, colic, illness (mine and theirs). Poop. POOP, people. And not just a little poop. Like, poop running down my shirt and smeared all over the bathroom floor (sorry, I should have warned you that was coming).

To be honest, the poop episode didn't gross me out as much as you probably think it did. And when I look back at all of the things that sound terrible it was such a small moment and usually turns out to be a really really good story ~~I will use later in life to gross out girls I don't want them dating~~. I am learning that the hard things in parenting are often the small things in parenting. The big things: the hugs, the kisses, reading stories in the rocking chair, tickling baby and rolling him around, running through the house with can opener swords, the first time Franky said "wuv you" unprovoked. Those are the big things. And they outweigh the bad/hard things a million to one.

I will try and remind myself of this during our next poop explosion.

Anyways, posting has been a little sparse lately but after the holidays I'll try and get back into the swing of things. I've got pictures to post and stories to tell so stay tuned. And please, for the love of pete, have a merry Christmas, won't you?

love, ali

November 2010

2010-12-09T11:08:00.003-07:00

Dear baby boys,

I wonder how long I will be able to keep addressing you as such. Will I be writing the letter of your 16^th birthday and still see you as chubby, toothless toddlers slamming the door to your stinky teenager rooms when I sweetly tell you there’s no way I’m letting you anywhere near my car? Probably.

November 2010 was good to us in many ways. Obviously we celebrated Thanksgiving, the official kick-off to the holiday season. We spent the day with the Sumsion side of the fam at Aunt Jills new house. It was delicious and full of good cousinly fun. Then naps.

But November was also a time of much sickness. I can’t remember the last time when one of the four of us wasn’t sick. We’ve experienced all varieties: stomach bugs, fevers, coughs, etc. I guess I should include teething in this. Drew has yet to pop another besides his two front bottoms, but they are on their way.

Oh Drew, I really can’t complain. You are sweet and cuddly and desperate to get moving so you can chase your big brother. You have been rolling over a ton these past few weeks but when you end up on your tummy you can only handle it for a small amount of time. You’re still working on rolling from tummy to back and you usually accomplish this task by screaming loudly so I will come running and do it for you.

I always get compliments on how chill of a baby you are at family parties and big get togethers. But want to know a little secret? This is because you love a crowd. You love to be entertained and have people to watch. And truth be told, sometimes me and big brother just aren’t enough. You demand a change of scenery often. And heaven forbid I need to leave you alone for a moment. But that’s alright. I adore you and am more than eager to acquiesce, even if it is exhausting sometimes.

We are still working on the naps though. Once you are up for the day YOU ARE UP FOR THE DAY. You take little cat naps here and there, with the occasional two hour stint, complete with me sneaking in every ten minutes after half an hour to make sure you are still alive. Your brother was the king of long, daytime naps and didn’t sleep through the night until he was eight months old. You, my friend, have been letting me enjoy nearly eleven uninterrupted hours from the time you were four months old. I thank you for that. As does my energy level.

Ah Franky boy. You really are a little man now. I notice each night as I slather your legs and arms with Eucerine cream to combat your ever persistant exzema. Your baby fat is all but gone. Your legs are long and leans and your belly is no longer round but flat. Your feet stink when you don’t wear socks with your shoes and you require a bath at least every other day now.

Speaking of excema you know how to say this word and ask me about it as I lather you up each night and morning. Every day I am shocked by the things coming out of your mouth, but in a good way. You can communicate just about anything at this point although sometimes you need me to translate your mispronunciations to others.

But you are still my baby. I rock you each night and read you stories. When you hurt yourself you still need your boo-boos kissed. And when you are sick we snuggle and you tell me “hold you!” (which is how you say “hold me”; I am never correcting this one, it is tooooooo cute).

You have finally started watching movies. I have a love/hate relationship with your fondness for them. On the one hand, when I really need to do something without your shadow I can plop you on my bed with the TV on, giving myself anywhere from ten to twenty minutes. On the other hand, anytime the TV is on you beg me to turn on either Shrek or Cars. It’s annoying. And I give in a lot. But most of the time I try and keep the TV off during the day. I really do make an effort to play with you and find other means of entertainment so you don’t become a giant couch potato.

This month just few by. I mean, they all do but wow. No one tells you that one of the side effects of pregnancy is that time speeds up ten fold. I am not ready to be the mother of two walking humans. So could you do me a solid and quit growing? I would really appreciate it.

All my love, mama

Family pics

2010-12-04T22:19:00.006-07:00

Wesley was one of the very first friends I made here in the Springs. I am always very suspicious of really good looking people and often unfairly question their ability to also be kind and compassionate (I think it stems from 6th grade - don't most complexes?). But luckily for me Wesley is just as sweet and genuine as she is gorgeous. As well as the rest of her family. See for yourself...

I learn something new every time I take pictures for someone. There are so many areas where my photography is weak but as long as I take each one as a learning experience that makes all the difference in the long run.

love, ali

Reminder

2010-12-03T22:58:00.003-07:00

Somehow I found myself at this site tonight. I read the story of this family and wept. And the most tragic part of all is that it's not a story. Someone is really living this nightmare.

I just had to share a quote from this father who is facing the loss of his son:

We have been asked so many times “what can we do for you?” Here is my answer: hold your little ones close. Tell them you love them. Make sure they know that they are the greatest thing in your life. You never know how quickly things can change.

I'm watching my babies sleep tonight. Breathing heavy and slow. Warm to the touch. Hearts beating steady. And I am so lucky. My boys are loved, fiercely and above all else. My heart is so full right now. Now go tell someone you love how much they mean to you. You never know when you might get another chance.

love, ali

More senior portraits

2010-11-29T07:00:00.000-07:00

Here's some more of this beautiful girl...

I have been called to work with the youth in my church. The young women, to be specific. Initially I was so nervous to accept the calling. I had flashbacks to my days in the young women program, specifically instances where someone was trying to teach and I was sitting in the back with my friends giggling and talking and pretty much being a totally disrespectful punk. I have been pleasantly suprised by the amazing girls I have the pleasure of teaching and interacting with each week. They are smart and friendly and they accomplish amazing things. They give me hope for the future of this crazy world.

love, ali

Family pictures for another of my favs

2010-11-26T23:34:00.002-07:00

This is my sister in law Jill and her darling family. Her daughter (pictured below) honestly saved my sanity this summer by being my one-day-a-week nanny for my little newborn baby. I would look forward to it all week. She would stay all day and cuddle the baby the entire time (minus feeding time) and often would entertain Franky too so I could ~~take a nap~~ clean the house and be super productive.

So glad you guys moved back to Utah!

love, ali

Breathtaking

2010-11-19T23:13:00.004-07:00

It doesn't feel like tooting my own horn when I can't resist (even as my contacts are killing me and it's nearly midnight) posting such a beautiful photo because, like I said, she makes it so easy.

love, ali

The good man

2010-11-17T00:23:00.007-07:00

Marriage. It's a lot of work. It's something every engaged couple has heard and not believed. It's something most everyone who's ever been married will tell you very very first. And many in the same breath will tell you how incredibly worthy the work is.

Like most of the things I consider sacred, I don't share a lot about my marriage on this blog. But I have written so much about my love for my children and maybe that has created the perception that there is just nothing left for my husband. Not so. It's just a whole different kind of love. It's resilient and forgiving. It's the rainbow after the storm and it is so worth it.

If I could give some advice to anyone who is thinking about choosing a man to spend the rest of their life with it would be this: marry a good man. Good to the core. Someone who values commitment. Someone who is kind and forgiving. Someone who is concerned with your happiness on a daily basis and is willing to compromise to make it happen.

That's it. It's not necessarily romantic in a traditional sense. But when the world around you is teeming with people who are taking their partners for granted and tearing apart their families for their own "happiness" because the world says they should, you will be so grateful that you chose the good guy rather than the ambitious guy or the hot guy.

But it doesn't hurt if he's also ambitious and hot.

Just saying.

love, ali

What's the hap

2010-11-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

It's almost midnight. The babies are sleeping soundly. And for the first time in a long time the hubby is sleeping as well. We have been going to bed later and later for weeks. Most night I don't get to bed until almost 1 am. But I can't help it! I have become so productive at night. I do the dishes and organize and blog apparently. I just feel so full of life. But come morning I am regretting my nightly productivity. The baby has been waking up at 6:3o to nurse. And as I've explained before, it is possible to do so while lying in bed. But it's not very restful. And by 7:30 he is ready to get up and play. Luckily Franky is still sleeping in until about 8 or so. I wish they could both get on that schedule.

But here's what I've been up to lately:

Making baby blankets for one of my many pregnant friends. This one is for my Washgington friend who I'm pretty sure she doesn't read my blog. But just in case, HI MELISSA!

Drewy cut his first tooth about a week ago and now he's working on number two. That's the tooth, not the bowel movement. Although, he might be working on one of those too. You never know... anyway, it's been rough but it looks like we're almost over the worst of this particular wave.

Playdates playdates and more playdates. Franky asks every day now if his friends are coming over. It's so cute. I am lucky to have so many friends within walking distance who have kids Franky's age. As you can see we are the lazy playdate hosts with our main attractions consisting of sitting on the couch drinking milk and watching Shrek.

Took a couple of senior portraits for this beautiful girl today. When I take someone's portrait one of my main goals is to make them look fantastic and with her this is very easy. We only took a couple of pics because the weather was crummy but we are going to try and get together again later this week. So look for more to come.

Well, I'm gonna take off and maybe, just maybe crawl into bed before midnight tonight. Wish me luck.

love, ali

Jeff and Nicole's family pics

2010-11-12T22:02:00.005-07:00

I tried to narrow down my favorites but it was too hard

Every time I am asked to take photos for someone I feel more and more comfortable behind the lens and the results get better and better. But I know I can improve. Would I call myself a photographer? No. Do I think I will ever do this for a career? Probably not. But it's a fun hobby. And who wouldn't love to get paid to do their favorite hobby?

love, ali

Family pictures for one of my favs

2010-11-07T22:24:00.012-07:00

I've got a ton of photos to edit from today's session but here is a sneak peek:

Love this family! They crack me up. Can't wait to post the rest...

Love, ali

A cute day

2010-11-05T21:30:00.000-06:00

There aren't many days that I feel cute because, lets face it, my job requires a lot of sleepless nights and no dress code. And in case you were confused (as many of you probably were), pajamas is not my dress code. But a cute newish shirt and a fresh haircut can sometimes prompt a person to get ready for the day. And sometimes even post a picture of them selves ~~without makeup~~ with barely any makeup.

I've got a twenty dollar bill
that says no one's ever seen you without makeup
You're always made up
And I'm sick of your a tattoos
and the way you always criticize the Smiths
and Morrissey
And I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic
and when I say "lets keep in touch"
I hope you know I mean I wish that you'd grow up
This is the first song for your mixtape
And it's short just like your temper
but somewhat golden like the afternoons
we used to spend before you got too cool.

-Brand New, Mixtape

love, alpal

Sicky babes

2010-11-02T13:44:00.006-06:00

Franky watching Sesame Street in his PJ's this afternoon

It all started last night. My cute little cousin called to invite us over for family home evening. They live just a couple of minutes away. We were early and they were still eating dinner so we hung out in the living room watching The Great Pumpkin. Franky kept saying his tummy hurt but we didn't think too much about it because he was still playing. But suddenly there was puke flying through the air, hitting the leather couch and soaking the carpet (and Zach). I don't think there's anything grosser than cleaning up your kids' puke except maybe cleaning up someone elses kids puke (sorry Wende!).

I'll spare you the details but lets just say the remainder of our evening consisted of a lot of cleaning, consoling, baths and laundry because apparently asking him to throw up in a bowl or a bucket was super offensive.

And then the baby started throwing up.

That's when I officially resigned.

Just kidding. It wasn't as bad as it could have been because Zach and I still have our agreement. But he had to be up early to get to work at seven so I stayed up with Franky. We laid on the couch and practiced running over to the tile when his tummy started hurting. Then we watched Shrek and snuggled. Eventually his tummy ache subsided and we just basked in the gloriousness of non-puking.

My favorite part of the night (if I'm trying to look at the bright side) was at 2:30 am when we got to the end of Shrek and there's that scene where everyone is dancing and singing. Franky was almost asleep and delirious with fever but as soon as that song started he immediately stood up on the couch and started to dance.

I sure do love that kid.

Love, ali

October 2010: Dear kids

2010-11-02T08:00:00.001-06:00

Dear babies,

It is October of 2010. You, my lovely boys, are five months old (Drewy) and twenty-five months (Franky boy) and life is just flying by all too quickly.

When Franky was born I started writing him letters every month. I was hardcore and religiously chronicled his life: every first, every accomplishment, every emotion I experienced as I watched him grow. I had nearly a years worth of letters.

And then our harddrive crashed and I lost all but the first letter (thanks to this very blog). Those letters are irreplaceable and I will never get them back. It was a horribly traumatic experience and I even shed a few tears. But the point is that after the loss, like an idiot I stopped my monthly letters. I could kick myself even now for not carrying on.

But I am here now, over a year later, to redeem myself from my careless ways and give your life the narrative it deserves. When I first started writing I told Franky that I wanted him to know he was loved from the start and that certainly has not changed. And now baby Drew has come into our family and he has expanded that love.

So I’m not going to lie, kids. Two babies is a lot of work. I sat in on a lesson on Sunday with our young women where we were asked to add up all of the “free time” we have during the week. I think the object of the lesson was to show how much time we really do have that is at our discretion but it actually had the opposite effect for me. I get about two hours each night after you are in bed and occasionally an hour in the afternoon if the sun aligns with twelve different stars sending a hidden message to the angels of motherly mercy and you both nap at the same time.

In fact, at this precise moment Franky has been in his bed for about twenty minutes (hopefully asleep) and I am sitting in the living room listening to Drew cry and grumble his way to sleep. Obviously we are still working on naps with the smallish one.

The smallish one. Not so small anymore. You, my baby boy, are growing at a much more accelerated rate than your brother. One of the glorious things about having two babies of the same gender is getting to pull out all of the hand-me-downs. There are sweet memories attached to each outfit. But I’m realizing more and more that Franky was so much smaller than you.

I’m so sorry to compare. I hope comparisons to your brother do not become the bane of your existence. But we can only see the world as far as our perspective and experience allows. And in the mothering department Franky is all I know.

You adore your big brother. If he throws any attention your way you are all smiles. He runs across the living room and you laugh your head off.

You have also become a big fan of your dad. It was a little touchy there for a while because you were quite the mama’s boy (aren’t all nursing babies?). But not anymore. You light up when he gets home from work. And there have been times when he is the only one who could get you to sleep at night.

You have started eating solid food the last week or so and now you are pretty much hooked. Hopefully this will make it easier to leave you with sitters. You are not the kind of baby who is easy to take to a restaurant. You are pretty demanding and like to be held and/or entertained about eighty percent of the time. The other twenty percent you are content to sit and watch. But I still love you one hundred percent and beyond.

Franky Franky Franky. You are a stark medley of opposites. Jubilance and despair. Cuddly and cold. Helpful and defiant. You swing back and forth all day long. It’s exhausting sometimes. But I’m learning some little tricks to help keep you steady.

You need to be exercised daily. You love to run and climb and pick up sticks and throw rocks. But you also need mental stimulation. You need to count and read a book five times in a row and build towers and sort thing into tupperware.. Basically the more I play with you the less of a crazy head you are.

I try and get you outside every day. We go and visit the horses a lot. You love horses. You also LOVE a good park. Sometimes when we get cabin fever we just drive around and find cool parks. We have become quite the park connoisseurs.

You amaze me everyday with the words you know. I don’t know if you are exceptionally smart but I can’t help the excitement when you communicate some random idea to me.

“Baby happy!” you say. And indeed, the baby was happy.

“Daddy golf,” you tell me each day as he leaves for work. Ha ha! In his dreams.

You are so sweet to your brother. It still blows my mind how tender you are with him. I know you guys are going to fight and he’s going to steal your toys and drive you bananas. But at this point in our lives, you are nothing but sweet to him. I honestly can not think of a single time you have hurt him (intentionally). You always make sure he is taken care of. If he is fussing and I have to run in the other room to get something and he starts to cry I tell you “talk to your brother so he doesn’t cry.” I can hear you in the other room saying “It’s okay baby” and making funny noises so he will laugh. I hope you will always take care of your brother.

Halloween this year was good times. Last year Franky, you were still too little to really get it. But this year daddy took you trick-or-treating. I want you to know, that the whole Halloween thing was all your dad. He spent weeks and weeks leading up to Halloween recording Halloween shows for you to watch and telling you over and over again about how you tell people trick-or-treat and they give you candy. By the time the holiday rolled around you were ready. I think this holiday is just going to get more and more fun as you get older.

Well babies, life is good. What can I say? I thank God every night that I get to be your Mommy. That is not an exaggeration.

All my love,

mama

Guest post from Zach

2010-11-01T08:00:00.002-06:00

Let me set the stage.

Ali and I have taken the kids over to my sister’s house for a fun Saturday afternoon. The girls and the babe are going shopping, while the men and Frank stay and watch football. And by that I mean, Jeff and I disappear into the man cave while Frank runs a muck on the house. I’ll admit, I often adhere to the parenting philosophy of “It’s easier to just clean it up later than it is to stop him from doing it”. But on this particular day I was even more permissible than usual because I had just played football for two hours (and that was not a check my out-of-shape body was equipped to cash).

So as Jeff and I become immersed in the day’s games, Frank fluidly moves from room to room. On one of his visits to the man cave, he has a Ziplock bag of cereal (or "tu-doh" if we are speaking in Franky language). Certainly not an unusual occurrence, as mama regularly packs him such a snack. It appears he has emptied the contents of this one, so he hands me the bag of crumb remnants.

Flash forward as we revisit this experience with some hindsight.

The pantry is destroyed. Boxes of cereal are toppled. Snacks overturned. And yes, a box of Ziplock bags lie nearby. As these clues unite, the truth is revealed. My two-year old son had went into the pantry, found the Ziplock bags, filled one with cereal, and then sauntered on downstairs with the men, casually snacking on his inconspicuous treat.

THE PERFECT CRIME!!!

Do you know this guy?

2010-10-30T22:22:00.005-06:00

Um.... he's sleeping in my bed right now. TMI?

Happy Halloween folks!

love, ali

Family night & fun edits

2010-10-28T08:00:00.001-06:00

There is a place about five minutes away we discovered a couple of weeks ago that embodies all of Franky's favorite outdoor activities: a playground, horses, walking paths, and a stream for throwing rocks. It's like the Disneyland of parks. Well, actually, Liberty Park will always be our Disneyland of parks. It's more like the Lagoon of parks. But we will take what we can get.

love, ali

Cloudy skies

2010-10-27T08:00:00.002-06:00

I know it's not cool to be excited about snow, unless you are a skier or a snowboarder (and I haven't snowboarded in about five years). But for some reason this year, I am totally ready for a snowstorm. Remind me of this moment in January, won't you?

love, ali

Watch out Gene Simmons...

2010-10-25T21:31:00.002-06:00

Meet Drewy's new favorite toy.

love, ali

Supersizing me

2010-10-21T16:01:00.003-06:00

I have this ongoing affair with Big Macs. You see, about every six months something inside of me snaps. Somtimes I see a commercial or pass some kid at the Walmarts with a familiar bag in his hands. And I begin to yearn for that incredible aroma and the taste of that special sauce. The guilt sinks in before I even get to the drive-thru because I know what's about to happen. It's a deep, primal urge. I feel myself loose control as I pull up to the little white box as I blurt out

"Number one with a Diet Coke... and make it a large"

"That'll be six o' one"

My skin tingles as I pull around to the drive up window. I pay the man and toss the bag in the seat next to me, head down, taking a swig of that liquid sin that burns so good. I hand back a couple of fries to the whining two-year-old as I pull over. I dig in the bag until I find the real reason I made that trip to McD's.

The first bite is so incredible. I begin to wonder why I waited so long to indulge in the first place. It's juicy and crunchy from the pickles and lettuce. I don't know what it is about that special sauce but it fills my mouth with sweet sweet bliss.

But just a couple of bites in the sickness begins to sink in. I can feel my blood thickening and the initial rush from the perfect deliciousness is giving way to BLUUUUUUEEEGHHHH. My stomach is feeling full and bloated. I can actually hear my thighs straining at the seams in my jeans.

And then I remember why I always vow never to eat another Big Mac as long as I live.

I think I need to make a trip to Blockbuster this weekend and rent Super Size Me. I know it sounds drastic but if I don't I think I'm destined to repeat history.

love, ali

Whiny boy

2010-10-16T23:05:00.005-06:00

Poor monkey. Sometimes my head feels like that when Franky is whining. I told him to smile for the camera and this is what I got. Goof. Whiny little goof. This scenario plays out about a million times a day:

Franky: Maaaaaaaama, truck! Truuuuuuuuuck! (points at truck)

Me: Franky, mama doesn't like that whiny voice. If you need me to get your truck for you you need to say "help mama"

Franky: Help please mama!

Me: Oh! Would you like some help Franky? Here is your truck

Franky: (smiles and drive truck along the couch)

EXACTLY 10 SECONDS LATER...

Franky: Maaaaaamamamamam!!! Tyke mooooooooove!! ARGHEREIHHHFFFFUULLLFJK!!!

Me: Franky, I don't want to hear that whiney voice. If you want Tyke to move off the dog bed you need to say "help mama"

Franky: Help mama!

Me: Go, Tyke.

**Tyke gets up and walks away**

**Franky jumps off the tv stand onto the dog bed**

EXACTLY 10 SECONDS LATER...

Franky: MAAAAAAAAAMAWHAHHHHHHGGHH!!!

Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Repeat. 10 more times. Now mulptiply by 682,075.

I know this stage isn't going to last forever because it never does. But it doesn't make it any less annoying. Good thing he's so damn cute (and also rather pleasant when he remembers not to whine).

Happy weekend!

love, ali

Those OTHER Sumsions

2010-10-11T23:21:00.006-06:00

They are much better dressed than us but we are better at hearts (booya Andrew). Franky just adores this little guy whom he affectionately refers to as "Mad-guss". We got to hang out with them at Gardiner Village this weekend. And on Sunday we had some fun at Grandma's birthday party. But before that we snuck off to downtown Lehi to snap a few family pictures...

What makes a good photo? Sometimes I take a photograph I just fall in love with, but more often than not I am my own worst critic. And when I look around at all of the blogs I subscribe to that belong to photographers I admire I just can't even compare what I do to what THEY do. I try and accomplish one thing when I am taking pictures of a family and that is to capture the love they have for one another. I also try and get the exposure right and find the great light. But really it's about creating a moment. I'm still trying to figure it all out though.

love, ali

Delirious ramblings

2010-10-07T13:34:00.004-06:00

I'm sick. It sucks. The end.

But I don't know what's wrong with me. My joints ache and I feel lightheaded. I feel like sleeping the day away. Is it the rain that's doing this to me? Or some far greater source of molecular evil? I've already had my flu shot, thank you.

We have been trying various degrees of "crying it out" with Drew ever since he slept through the night three days in a row. He has been doing a TON better at night, going to sleep around 8 and not getting up again until 6:30ish, and then usually it's just to nurse. Franky didn't do that until he was at least 8 months old. You her that son? Nary a full nights sleep for well over eight months. THAT'S a mothers love right there.

But right now it's nap time and so far the "beeb" hasn't slept more than a few minutes in the car during errands and he is TIRED. But he will not sleep. Unless, if I'm being honest, he is nursing. So what does that mean for me? Two hours in bed, stressing about my messy house. But not sleeping because it's kind of hard to get super comfy when you're doing that sort of thing. So I'm trying to let him cry for a bit. But it's been a bit and he's still pretty upset. He'll settle down for a few minutes and then he remembers that he's in bed with no mommy and he starts WAAAAAAIIIIILING.

I don't know where this blog post is headed really. I guess I would just like to complain for a minute and then I might feel better. Not physically, but, ya know, mentally. I tried venting to Franky but all he had to say was "garbage truck!"

Love, ali

Self indulgence

2010-10-06T00:28:00.002-06:00

I am sitting here at 12:30 AM reading my entire blog form finish to start. It's been a good time. But I should totally be in bed.

So off I go. But if you have a moment (and I know you do because here you are) click here and read this. And if you don't think it's hilarious I don't know what else I can do for you.

love, ali

It's you!

2010-09-30T14:00:00.005-06:00

Don't look so surprised at your own cuteness!

love always, mama

The music man

2010-09-29T08:00:00.001-06:00

After a baby is born they are in a haze for several weeks. They sleep the majority of the time and are unable to see what's going on around them. Slowly and steadily their world comes into focus. They begin to recognize the face of their mother and eventually their father and other family members. They begin to smile and laugh. They begin to discover the joys of being alive.

After we got married Zach gradually stopped playing the guitar. He traded in his mixer to buy me an engagement ring. Coworkers replaced bandmates as he finished his degree. Daily playing eventually drizzled away and he would go weeks without touching his guitar. Life just took over and priorities changed.

But as Franky began to discover the world he discovered music. And Zach discovered his muse.

Many nights we sat around for hours and listened to Zach play: Bob Marley, Sublime, The Format, Zach originals. We sang and sang. Franky soaked it all up. Sometimes he lay there, quietly taking it all in. Sometimes he would shriek kick his feet like crazy. His love of music was cemented during those summer nights.

And we find ourselves here again. As a sleepy newborn discovers a new world, his father rediscovers his guitar. Our house is full of music once more.

Also...

Guys who sing and play guitar: HOT
Guys who are sweet with babies: ALSO HOT

love, ali

Just because...

2010-09-28T13:30:00.004-06:00

I just think this is a pretty picture. And sometimes, that's all it means.

The end.

Love, ali

Typical Monday Morning

2010-09-27T12:32:00.006-06:00

"I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less." -Anna Quindlen, Author

This morning I just enjoyed my boys. We hung out and watched a little bit of a movie called 10,000 B.C. It's not really a kid movie but Franky begs to see the "tiger" and the "guys" and tells me they are "SO COOOOOOOL!"

We went grocery shopping like we always do on Mondays.

Typical shopping venture:

The moment we put the grapes in the cart Franky begins begging for one. What's a mom to do? He doesn't understand that we are charged by the weight. But I figure Walmart can afford a few cents less in grape revenue with all the money I spend there.

He eats them happily until I swing by the string cheese. It's sort of tradition, eating grapes and string cheese as we cruise down the isles. I would feel bad for presenting the clerk with a half-eaten string cheese to scan but I always make a point to not make them touch the wrapper. It's usually spitty and, if I'm being honest, full of the partially chewed bite Franky can't manage to swallow. I just hold it up for them to scan with a half-smile and a shrug. I think they sort of know the drill by now.

Upon arriving home Franky helped me bring in groceries. Then we had a turkey sandwich and some more grapes for lunch. We ventured into the backyard and Franky called for the orange cat we saw on our fence yesterday. He doesn't understand that all the neighborhood cats are too scared of Tyke to hang out in our yard. It makes me a little sad for Franky because he LOOOOOVES "kiddies".

And now the babies are napping, safe and sound in their cribs. I wonder what our Mondays will look like in a year? In five years? We are always moving so quickly towards our future, too quickly. I'm working real hard at savoring the now.

love, ali

Two (and a couple of weeks)

2010-09-25T08:00:00.001-06:00

Dear Franky,

It seems like just yesterday I was lying awake in an unfamiliar hospital bed with a tiny newborn baby in my arms, my entire perspective on life having been eternally shifted, my capacity to love stretched beyond reason. I became a mother. Two years ago. TWO YEARS.

If I had to choose one word to describe you it would be pleasant. How boring is that? There is not another word to describe it though. You are a joy to be around. You are friendly and playful and funny. You make me laugh every day and that's no exaggeration. You love to play with vehicles of every kind and even have a favorite you call "Trucky." You are obsessed with motorcycles and "bigtrucks!!" (semis) If you ever hear a motorcycle drive by we must drop everything to listen. Every Thursday I strain to hear the garbage truck coming up the street. Then we run outside and watch the garbage get dumped and wave to the garbage man.

You are such an easy going kid. I am very fortunate to be able to leave you with babysitters. You go with the flow. As long as you have some toys to play with or an attentive audience you are loving life. We took you to the doctor yesterday for your two year old well child exam. You were so good for the nurses and the doctor, letting them help you up onto the table while I held your brother. You let them bonk your knees to check your reflexes and didn't even flinch when they stuck that thingy in your ear. One nurse commented that if all two year olds were like you her job would be so much easier.

Watching you learn to speak is an unexpected source of complete joy for me. It is so exciting for me and Dad to hear you say new words, most of them I didn't even teach you. You are always watching us and picking up on things we say. I've had to really start watching what I say around ya, you little smarty pants. No more potty mouth for me. You have also picked up on counting a little bit and I often find you counting up to three.

You love books. We read every night before bed. Your current favorites are The B Book (Barenstein Bears), Bears on Wheels, Goodnight Moon and Goodnight Gorilla. But your favorite is Go Dog Go. I think this is because it combines two of your most favorite things in life: cars and dogs.

You love to run and you LOVE to be chased. Sometimes when I'm cleaning or taking care of Drew you just run laps throughout the house. Sometimes you chase me with plastic bugs ("kuh'kuh bugs") and sometimes real dead ones. A lot of times I chase you around the house and you try and get dad to hide you under a blanket. If you are under foot while I am trying to make dinner I stomp after you until you run around the corner and then go back to cooking for a minute until you come back out and then I chase you away again. We play this game almost daily.

And you love your brother. Have I told you yet that was my biggest fear about bringing baby Drew home? One of my biggest regrets in life was being in the bathroom when you first laid eyes on your brother. But from what I've heard you squealed with delight and asked to hold him immediately. That hasn't changed. You call him "bee bee" or "beeb" and give him kiss and "ugg" (hug) before bed every night. Today you were throwing a ball and it rolled into his leg. It didn't hurt him but you stopped everything and ran over to tell him sorry and kiss his boo boo.

Sometimes you are a stubborn little thing. Before bed you will think of any excuse you can to delay the turning off of the light. You have also started expressing preferences in clothes and will beg me to put you in a "cute shirt."

Mostly being your mom is so much fun. Occasionally I really crave a moment for myself but the vast majority of the time I really enjoy playing with you all day and being the one who meets your needs. Although I know you probably won't remember life at two, my greatest wish for you would be to enable you to look back on your childhood and know that you were loved unconditionally. It's nice that you're so easy going right now and haven't presented me with any really big challenges (potty training is just around the corner). But even when you do, I am going to be here, basking in who you are. Your joys are my joys. You are the sunshine in my life every day.

Love you buddy,

Mama

Second day hair

2010-09-24T12:36:00.003-06:00

The best part about this long(ish) haircut is second day hair. It's not quite bedhead, not quite curly. Just a couple flips of the flat iron and a little bit of product and I'm "off like a dirty shirt."

Love, ali

Some family pics I took last week...

2010-09-22T20:14:00.010-06:00

My adorable cousin and her cute family...

I know the baby is crying in this one, but I just think Katie looks too foxy not to include it.

She has the greatest parents. Love the concerned look on Dad's face.

She was so done by the end. Being a newborn is hard work.

Mama bear...

Thanks for letting me take some pics for you guys. Wish we lived closer!

Love, ali

New hair

2010-09-14T22:47:00.003-06:00

I was hoping this haircut might make me look like her, once my hair grows out, minus the baby belly (although I'd still need to lose about 15 lbs to look as good as she did at 40 weeks pregnant).

love, me

Elder Tate

2010-09-09T11:35:00.006-06:00

He says he's going to be like a ginger Shaq surrounded by all of the short Asians. That's Mitch. He's funny and kind and he's my brother. I haven't begun to process the fact that in less than a month he will be leaving for Korea and I won't see him again for two years. The kids are going to miss their Uncle Mitch and I'm going to miss my brohan.

love, ali

Our view

2010-09-06T23:32:00.005-06:00

I know I've already mentioned how great our backyard is. But I just can't stop myself from posting this picture, mainly to induce jealousy. Is it working?

There are no houses to the south of us and this is just a taste of the views we are provided with in a daily basis. In fact, Franky often spends hours standing in the big, picture window in our living room, pointing to the fields and yelling "Horses! Horses!"

Sometimes living on the edge of a sprawling suburb isn't so bad.

Love, ali

PS. Lovely shade provided by the mc mansion next door. It's no shade-tree but it'll do.

Oak City Days

2010-09-03T08:00:00.001-06:00

I think I might have written about Oak City before. Yeah, I have. We visit as often as we can. Zach's parents and brothers and their families still live there. It's a wonderful little place to call home. And every year at the end of August there is a celebration. It's called Oak City Days and it's freakin awesome. There's about a gazillion things to do and we play hard all weekend. Me and my sisters-in-law all ran in the 5k. Of course I don't have any pics of us (doh!) so you'll just have to take my word for it. But here are some pics I did take.

My niece is the blonde. I told her mom she is in trouble. And you can see why. Can you say gorgeous??

Franky and Mads, hanging out in Grandma's kitchen. I love this family.

This is us.

This is us too!

We ride 4-wheelers and dirt bikes in the O.C.

We also eat popsicles.

YUM.

It's a good time. Can't wait for next year.

love, ali

Adventures in Photoshop

2010-09-02T23:33:00.003-06:00

Before:

After:

love, ali

Short thought

2010-09-01T22:09:00.005-06:00

It should have been a trying week. My babies have been sick. And then I got sick. Sore throats, stuffy noses, achey bodies. I've ingested quite a bit of herbal tea. I'm supposed to run a 10k on Saturday and I haven't logged a single mile this week.

I often feel a burst of calm energy whenever things are suddenly hard. I don't know if it's the first born in me or something I've learned as I've grown. I like being the one who brings comfort, the one who maintains perspective.

So as the restless babies have grown needy and stopped sleeping I have become a deep well of mothering. I've wiped noses and kissed foreheads and rocked late into the night.

That's not to say I haven't complained, or wished at times for a personal assistant. But I feel my capacity expanding.

I'm am a mother of two and I'm not totally failing at it.

love, ali

Franks

2010-09-01T08:00:00.001-06:00

My lands, child! Could you be any cuter??

Nope.

love, mama

Birthday boy

2010-08-30T22:03:00.002-06:00

Baby Maddox aka Mads aka most adorable/skinny/happy child I know.

There's something special about this little guy. I think he just reminds me so much of Franky at this age.

Happy 1st.

love, Aunt Ali

Brothers

2010-08-29T12:15:00.004-06:00

These are the moments I hoped would come from having a second child. May you always be your brothers keeper.

love, ali

Since I am up WAY past my bedtime but had to share...

2010-08-26T23:15:00.003-06:00

{insert unapologetically sappy rant about how much I love this child}

love, ali

Unraveling

2010-08-22T22:47:00.004-06:00

There are often instances where I hear a small voice in the back of my head telling me that my heart is going to ache so much for this time in my life, that I need to be savoring it and not spending so much of it looking towards the future. It’s a strange, melancholy feeling I sometimes brush aside. But other times my eyes prick with tears as I grasp for the threads of their babyhood as it quickly unravels.

I lean my nose down and sniff Drew’s head in the early morning hours while he nurses away and try to think of a single thing that’s ever smelled so good in my life. I can’t. I want to bottle that smell. I want to remember the feel of his tiny hand around my thumb and the way his breathing slows down the minute he begins to nurse. I want to watch him fall asleep in my arms a million more times. I want to memorize every word Franky says and the way he says them. He is beginning to string words together and pronouncing more and more things correctly, which breaks my heart just a little bit. He climbs onto the couch and shouts “Mama! Mama! Mama!” until I look up from what I am doing, then dives off and with a look of triumph waits for my approving applause.

I could cry just thinking about all of this coming to an end, and yet I know it will.

Motherhood is such a strange mixture of extreme ecstasy tinged with pain. I heard it once said that having children is like your beating heart leaping out of your chest and walking around, bare and exposed to the world, blood gushing everywhere. And in a way it is true. I am dying a slow death I wouldn’t trade for the world.

I want you to know, baby boys, that no one will ever love you with as much ferocity as your mother. I am nowhere close to perfect but I will never give up. My love for you is stronger than any of my shortcomings. I want you to feel that every day. Can you feel it?

love, mama

Family get-together

2010-08-14T13:23:00.004-06:00

A few fun shots...

I don't often take my camera to family events. I've been thinking about this lately because we've had so many opportunities to get together with family this summer. I think my biggest reason is because some people are a bit touchy about getting their pictures taken. It's not that I want to take someone's picture who doesn't want to photographed. I just always assume people don't want their picture taken weather they do or don't care. And it seems to me in our culture that the appropriate thing to do is to refuse having your picture taken. Therefore, so many people's natural reaction is to insist on not being in photographs.

But I've come to realize that so many of the memories we've made this summer are going to be forgotten all because I was too afraid of offending someone to bring my camera along. And if I'm worried about offending my FAMILY, of all people how, I will never be able to take my photography where I want it to go.

What a silly reason to not capture these memories. That is about to change. You can just call me our new official family photographer.

love, ali

Saturday mornings

2010-08-12T14:32:00.001-06:00

It's pretty much snuggle-palooza, AKA dad tries to sleep while Franky crawls all over him.

love, ali

We have a backyard

2010-08-11T14:31:00.001-06:00

Finally!

love, ali

Danielles wedding

2010-08-10T13:43:00.005-06:00

As we were getting ready for them to come out of the temple, is started sprinkling.

They told us we'd only have to wait as long as it took the bride to get ready... which was a long time. C'mon, this is Danielle we're talking about! But it was well worth the wait.

Woot woot!

Danielle hugging her grandma ("Danielle, are you cleaning your snow? You know your grandma is!")

They really did have to most amazing wedding party. And I'm not just saying that because I was a part of it. We worked hard and we played hard.

Two stud muffins.

No, we didn't take Franky or else I might call this a family picture. It was an amazing day for one of the most amazing couples I know.

love, ali

Franky: Summer 2010

2010-07-30T16:20:00.005-06:00

Things Franky has spilled over the last several days:
1 whole container of pepper
1/2 bag of cereal
1 package of q-tips
1 bottle of syrup

Things I said to Franky today:

Don't jump on the dog.
Get out of the baby swing!
Dude, why do you always have to destroy everything??
Don't put that on your wiener! (In reference to the car he was driving during a diaper change)

Is "wiener" the appropriate term for a toddler?

I actually said a lot of adorable mushy "mommy loves you so much" type of things too. But those were the ones I know I will eventually forget. Although maybe not jumping on the dog. Because that's pretty much a daily occurrence.

love, mama bear

An inbred sense of humor

2010-07-10T00:21:00.003-06:00

The other morning he came walking out of the kitchen like this, without any prompting from me, and exclaimed "Hello Mama!"

Does anyone else find this hilarious? Or is this just one of those things everyone would think is cute about their own kid but not about other people's children?

love, ali

From 7-8 AM

2010-07-07T14:42:00.003-06:00

It's our moment, mother and son. We grin at each other and wait for Mr Bigs to wake up. I clickity clack on the computer and catch up on my Google Reader and Drewbear makes gurgly noises and kicks me in the chest. It's the closest he's ever been to feeling like an only child.

love, ali

I heart this photo

2010-06-30T12:31:00.003-06:00

Hello Mr. Wrinkley-head-boo-boy-bubba-doo-doo-buddah!

love, mama

Homesick

2010-06-29T23:53:00.002-06:00

I ran tonight for the second time since getting pregnant with Drew. My first time was last Monday and it was breezy as it always is the first time back after a long absence. Tonight was hard. Not as hard as it could have been because I wasn’t sore from my first run. And I didn’t push myself harder than I could handle, which wasn’t much to begin with. But it was still difficult. My body feels bouncy and soft. I don’t float as I used to. I feel super sluggish despite my body screaming at me to slow down.

I miss my old routes. They were familiar. And that certainly takes away some of the pain. You remember what it’s like to reach a certain point: the feeling of cresting that super steep stretch on 17^th South, the relief of the slight decline during those two blocks in the middle of the East end of your circle, the immediate descent back into the valley down 9^th South, past the record store and people drinking coffee. You know what song is going to be playing as your blaze past those people and how you’re going to look in the polished windows of the shops.

That’s one of the things I miss most about Salt Lake. I’ve been super homesick for it lately. I actually got my old wards relief society email on Monday announcing playgroup today. And since I had a doctors appointment up there anyways I decided to check it out. There was only one other family that showed up but it was good to see a familiar face and catch up on what everyone else has going on.

It’s bittersweet, moving into this beautiful home with it’s fancy dishwasher and multiple bathrooms. I miss my friends. I miss the old, giant trees lining the streets. I miss being able to walk to Liberty Park and that Thai place on the corner of 5^th and 13^th. Of course there are things I don’t miss and reasons why I can never go back. At least not to our old apartment and probably not even our old neighborhood. But I still savor the familiarity of my old stomping ground. I hope I can feel that eventually for this place.

Love, ali

P.S. BABY FIX:

The Sibs

2010-06-26T23:35:00.003-06:00

My favorite picture I've ever taken, stylistically speaking

Love Mitch's face in this one

Marshall, being Marshall

This would be really cute if I wasn't nose scrunching...

Now Mitch's face is scrunchles

Also another fav

The only bad thing about Alicia is that she makes the rest
of us look so un-photogenic in comparison

Have I mentioned how much I love these two? Yes.

Just the blood sibs

Just the girls

Just the boys

Coming soon to a wedding announcement near you?

It's a good thing families are forever because I love these people.

Love, ali

A letter to myself

2010-06-21T15:15:00.006-06:00

Dear 18-year-old me,

What is it like to sleep in on the weekends? I no longer remember. It seems like forever since I rolled over on a Saturday and read twelve noon on the clock.

Today after I put your babies down - yes, your babies; two boys, just like you always imagined - I decided the time for a shower was now or never. I started looking for my contacts so I wouldn't be blind and unable to see any spiders that might be waiting to ambush me as soon as I got into the shower. Yeah, still have that phobia. Anyways, I remembered the (nearly) two-year-old playing with the case earlier in the day but was unable to locate said contacts. Besides, they are nearly 6 months old and I can only wear them for a couple of hours before they start killing my eyes. I've been meaning to make an appointment and get a new rX and all that. But the feeding schedule of my newborn has made that all but impossible. I haven't dyed my hair in almost two months. You would be shocked if you could see my roots right now.

I never did get that shower. But with both babies asleep in this quiet house I started thinking about you. I'm trying to remember how it feels to be you again: me, sans stretch marks and a mortgage. Nothing ever turns out the way you think it's going to. Luckily for us it's better than you imagined. Harder in some ways, but also so much more enjoyable; it's a life to be envied.

I just wanted to let you know that. It does get better. It's okay that you have no idea what you're doing. So please stop worrying about it. Everything is going to work out for you. I know you feel lost right now but you're mid-twenties are looking mighty fine. So hang in there.

Love, 25-year-old me

PS. You're not fat. <3

Beautiful

2010-06-19T23:16:00.003-06:00

A woman in love with a man who treats her like a queen.

In my humble opinion, this is probably the most beautiful photograph I've ever taken.

You just can't ask for more than that.

love, ali

Danielle's bridals

2010-06-11T16:59:00.004-06:00

Danielle is my best childhood friend. A sister of sorts. We grew up down the street from each other and went through puberty together. It's a bond that can't be broken. And now she is getting hitched. When you get married and you're only nineteen, it's extra exciting when your friends start catching up. And I couldn't have picked a more perfect husband for her, no joke.

love, ali

A few fun pics...

2010-06-08T08:19:00.004-06:00

Congrats Mitch! He's even weirder in real life.

I guess it runs in our family.

I still feel like I'm eighteen but when your baby bro graduates you can't help but feel OLD.

Yeah, I get to tickle these on a daily basis.

And I get to squeeze these cheeks.

I also get to chase this little guy.

me = THE LUCKIEST

love, ali

WHIIIIIIIINE

2010-06-07T09:58:00.004-06:00

Ummm... did I say the hormones have subsided? Silly girl. I must have been on the downswing when I wrote that. Or drunk? Maybe someone spiked my drink. I am trying though. But how much does trying count for when it's entirely out of my control?

Last night I got REALLY tired around 9 pm. So I thought I would get Drew to sleep, clean up a little and do dishes, and then go to bed early. Two hours later I was still sitting in the rocking chair, holding a binky in his mouth. I couldn't put him down without the baby alarm going off as he would immediately spit out his bink and SCREAM. Suddenly all I could see was how messy my house was and all the other things I should be taking care of before I went to bed. But there was no end in sight. And I started to cry.

Even I realize how silly that sounds the morning after. None of that stuff matters next to the little baby in my arms or the toddler tearing apart the kitchen right now. But in the moment I just felt so trapped and there was nothing to do but cry.

Thankfully I have Zach. He cleaned up the house and then, when the baby wouldn't even be soothed by nursing, took him for a ride in the car to get him to sleep. I don't know how single mothers do it.

I know I'm going to look back and miss these days - in fact, a country song told me so the other day in the car and I started bawling. But today I'm just trying to hold it together.

Oi, motherhood is quite the ride.

love, ali

Twosies

2010-06-03T21:56:00.001-06:00

Wow. Two kids. It's so much harder and yet so much easier than I ever imagined.

Going from one child to two compared to going from zero to one has been a much smoother transition.When I brought Franky home from the hospital my whole life was transformed. I had become a mother. And not just a mother. A full-time, stay at home mom.

This time around I am fully aware of what I'm in for. The long nights. The worry. The love so fierce it aches at times. And yet I was still blown away by how instantaneous the connection was.

Baby Drew has turned out to be a dream baby, just like Franky. I have never had to endure a colicky baby (knock on wood) and I try and remember just how lucky I am.

I also feel like I'm coming down from the hormone-driven emotional duress that has been the past few months. I don't know how it got so bad but I was in a really dark place for a while. But I'm so so so happy to say that I really believe it was mainly hormone-related. I am a much happier person nowadays.

And it's especially easy to be happy on days like today. The sun is shining! And 0ur yard is nearing completion. We will soon be romping in the backyard on green green grass. My house is not in turmoil. I finished another baby blanket yesterday which for some reason makes me feel empowered. My boys are in good health and good spirits and we're getting ready to burn off some energy outside before naps. Then I'm going to get ready - like really do my hair and everything - because my baby brother is graduating today and I get to attend and play paparazzi. My darling sis-in-law is watching my big boy so I only have to take the baby which almost feels like vacation.

Hope you're having a glorious day as well!

love, ali

Spaghetti

2010-05-28T11:00:00.001-06:00

Real post coming soon. But for now...

love, ali

A story of birth

2010-05-17T14:55:00.004-06:00

Drew was born early on a chilly, overcast morning on May 11, 2010. I had been having irregular contractions for a few days but nothing terribly painful. The last day though, was a doozy. I was an emotional wreck. I’d finally reached the point where I had determined I would be pregnant forever. This baby felt MUCH too big to be in my belly and I wasn’t able to sleep more than half hour stretches at a time without waking up to turn over or use the bathroom.

So that night, I took a bath and started the book Zach got me for Mothers Day. I was trying to relax so I could fall asleep more easily. I got into bed around 10:30 and decided to watch a little bit of a movie before I fell asleep. Around 10:50 I felt a little pop in my abdomen. I thought it might be my water but I felt down there and didn’t feel any liquid. So I figured it was a gas bubble. But a few seconds later I felt a gush. I jumped out of bed so I wouldn’t ruin our brand new mattress and ran to the bathroom. I called to Zach and told him my water just broke and that we needed to get to the hospital.

Of course I hadn’t packed a bag yet. Zach had actually told me before I got in the tub that I really should pack a bag. But having already decided I was going to be pregnant forever I had brushed off his suggestion.

We sort of ran around like chickens with our heads cut off tossing things into our little suitcases. Luckily my Aunt Wende lives just a few blocks away so I got a hold of her to come and stay with a sleeping Franky while my mom got her stuff ready and made the half hour trip to our house.

Then we left for the hospital. I’d had a couple of painful contractions at the house that only lasted a few seconds but once we got to Bangerter highway they really picked up. By the time we reached the hospital I was contracting every 4 minutes for about a minute each time and I couldn’t talk through them.

We found our way to labor and delivery and were admitted. I remember the nurse asking me my pain level and telling her I was at about a 7 out of 10 during the peak of my contractions. By this time I was contracting for about a minute or more every two or three minutes. She got my IV started and checked me and I was dialated to a three. I was a little bummed out but knew I was getting an epidural soon and that after I was comfortable they could start pitocin and get things moving like we had with my first pregnancy.

The anethstesiologist was called and I was told I would probably have my epidural in within thirty minutes. By this time my contractions had intensified. I was at a 10 in pain for most of each contraction. I had to really concentrate to breathe and not just start crying uncontrollably or full on freaking out. With each contractions as I breathed in through my nose I would flex my feet and then point my toes as I blew my breath out. I remember this really helped when I was laboring with Franky and it was a good trick this time around as well.

Finally after about half an hour the doctor arrived to administer my epidural. He was very sweet and would say "okay, my friend" and "here we go, my friend." He made small talk with Zach while he prepped me. He actually knew a bunch of people from Zach’s home town and listening to them name drop really helped keep my mind off the intense pain of my contractions for some reason. The doc got my epidural in pretty quickly and I immediately felt the intensity of each contraction lessen. This was immensely comforting and I started to relax a little bit.

My epidural this time around was a bit different from last time. The first go round I was so drugged up I couldn’t move my legs at all and I couldn’t feel the contractions at all or where I was directing my pushing. This time around my legs were numb but I could still move them a bit and I could actually tell when I was having a contraction, although I still couldn’t feel any pain.

I was able to sleep for about an hour when the nurse came in to check my progress. She was very surprised to see that I was already dilated to an 8 and she went to call my doctor. At that point I was unable to sleep anymore because I knew the baby would be born very soon. She came back about half an hour later and announced that I was complete and could start pushing.

I pushed a couple of times to bring the baby’s head down. Zach was by my side the entire time supporting one of my legs while I pushed. It was such a different sensation being able to direct the efforts of my pushing. After a few sets of pushes Dr. Twede arrived and told me we were very close to having this baby. I pushed through two more contractions and could feel his head coming out. I started to feel very emotional and wanting to cry but I told myself I had a job to do and I could cry as soon as we got him out. So I bore down and during the next contraction our baby was born.

They put him on my chest for a minute or two and Zach cut the cord. Then they took him over to the scale and weighed him. He was SCREAMING. I don’t remember Franky screaming that loudly right after birth. It was so sad. I’m sure he was cold and he was just freaking out. He was 7 lbs 15 oz and 19 inches long. After he was weighed the nurse poked him a few times and got his footprints. As she was putting his little hat on he peed all over her. It was really funny and I remember thinking “that’s what you get for making him scream like that.”

After she got him wrapped up she gave him to Zach and he stopped crying immediately. I was still getting stitched up so I just watched them bond for a few minutes and then Zach brought him over to me. I remember before he was born worrying that I wouldn’t or couldn’t love another baby as much as I love Franky. But that was not a thought in my mind as I looked into his little face. He was perfect and beautiful and I couldn’t stop touching his hair and his little squished ears and nose.

As soon as the doctor was done stitching me up and me and baby were clean and in bed, the nurse asked if I’d like to try and nurse. I tried for a minute but he wouldn’t latch. So the nurse put her (gloved) finger in his mouth and let him play with it. After a couple of minutes he started sucking and we knew he was ready. After that he latched right away and has been a great nurser ever since.

Recovery this time around has been so much quicker and I attribute that to the fact that this time around my labor was only four hours long with twenty minutes of pushing, where the first time I was in labor for fourteen hours and pushed for nearly two hours.

Baby Drew has been a dream and we couldn't be happier.

love, ali

Guilty?

2010-05-07T23:06:00.004-06:00

GUILT. It's heavy on my chest tonight. My baby is sick. Not my fetus baby. My Franky boy. He has had a fever all day. And he's clingy. And listless. He's so whiney. But also snuggly. So it kind of makes up for the whineyness.

And so after a few days of trying anything I can think of to get labor moving, I'm now praying I still have a few more days so I can get Franky through this before I turn his world upside down with a new sibling.

I keep thinking that I've selfishly put him in a situation that is going to drastically change the world as he knows it. It brings tears to my eyes. I love Franky more than anything else in he world and can't bear the thought of causing him pain. But at the same time I know he is going to be just fine. And that this is part of life. And a little brother could possibly be the best thing that's ever happened to him. Next to Tyke, of course.

I know a lot of this has to do with all of the hormonal changes going on right now and there are times when I feel out of control of my emotions. But usually after I cry for a while I feel a bit better and can go on with life.

That's my update. I'm a huge jumble of emotions. Happiness/despair/anxiousness/grateful...ness (does that count as an emotion?)

Hopefully my next blog post will include pictures of a newborn.

love, ali

Monday

2010-04-12T13:05:00.004-06:00

It's Monday. It's also laundry day. It's also Walmart day. The wind is howling outside. It never blew this much in the SLC. I guess it's all these wide open spaces. And the Oakers are too far away to block any of the wind. Our fence sways back and forth and the entire house creaks. It makes napping much too difficult.

But I can't nap today anyways. You know that whole "nesting" thing? It's kicking into high gear. I am so close to finishing the baby's blanket. I hope he thinks it's special because Mommy made it just for him, just as I hope Franky thinks his is special because Mommy made it just for him.

Yesterday in church I sat in front of a family with four or five kids. Apparently one of the two sons was getting upset that his mom was scratching the other sons back and not his. She calmly explained that getting back-scratches from mom wasn't a contest and that if she had more arms she would certainly love to scratch his back too.

"But mom's can't always give everyone just what they want right when they want it," she explained. "But it doesn't mean I don't love you, and you'll have a turn soon, okay?"

That was so profound to me for various reasons. She could have easily gotten annoyed at the kid whining about not getting a back scratch but instead turned it into a teaching moment in a calm and loving manner. If I can do one thing as a mother it's got to be making my children feel unconditionally loved, even when I don't have enough arms, even when they are whiney.

I keep thinking I need to takes some pics of myself getting more and more pregnant but I keep putting it off because I don't look good enough that day or I didn't really get ready. Well, the truth is, I don't feel very cute any day so why not just get it over with?

Here is me 35 weeks pregnant. It's hard to believe I've only got about 5 weeks left (and that's if our dates are correct; I wasn't exactly keeping track of anything when this all happened so I could be due next week for all I know).

Off to nest...

love, ali