God help me, it's so hard for me to do. I don't mean to say that I am a liar (although I can't say I've never lied). But to just be who I am without apologies or censorship and to be honest about who I really am and what I believe. That is something I struggle with.
Most often I want to be who you want me to be. Did we conversate today? You can almost guarantee I was thinking carefully about the words I was saying and how they would be perceived. To the point of obsession at times, I can assure you. And that is not something I admit with ease.
I am uncertain about many things. Though i don't really know if uncertain is the right phrase. Searching? Maybe? Indecisive. Insecure. Trying to find the right fit.
Lately I've been thinking a lot lately about my beliefs in a Higher Power. I was raised in a Mormon family and I attend a Mormon church. I serve with a group of women charged with leading the young ladies in my congregation. I pray on a daily basis. I search my scriptures for inspiration and guidance. I partake of the sacrament with a purposeful heart.
And yet... and here's the honesty part: not every single thing about Mormon doctrine makes my heart sing.
And so I've been searching, heart and soul and doctrine and other people with real life experience, and I've spent a lot of time on my knees.
So here comes the honesty part: I believe that I have a Savior who loves me. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that it will be a joyous day when I return to his loving arms after this life. I know that we are here for a purpose and that mostly that purpose is to do the best we can to help each other and learn to love each other and honestly, this religion helps me do that.