I ran tonight for the second time since getting pregnant with Drew. My first time was last Monday and it was breezy as it always is the first time back after a long absence. Tonight was hard. Not as hard as it could have been because I wasn’t sore from my first run. And I didn’t push myself harder than I could handle, which wasn’t much to begin with. But it was still difficult. My body feels bouncy and soft. I don’t float as I used to. I feel super sluggish despite my body screaming at me to slow down.
I miss my old routes. They were familiar. And that certainly takes away some of the pain. You remember what it’s like to reach a certain point: the feeling of cresting that super steep stretch on 17th South, the relief of the slight decline during those two blocks in the middle of the East end of your circle, the immediate descent back into the valley down 9th South, past the record store and people drinking coffee. You know what song is going to be playing as your blaze past those people and how you’re going to look in the polished windows of the shops.
That’s one of the things I miss most about Salt Lake. I’ve been super homesick for it lately. I actually got my old wards relief society email on Monday announcing playgroup today. And since I had a doctors appointment up there anyways I decided to check it out. There was only one other family that showed up but it was good to see a familiar face and catch up on what everyone else has going on.
It’s bittersweet, moving into this beautiful home with it’s fancy dishwasher and multiple bathrooms. I miss my friends. I miss the old, giant trees lining the streets. I miss being able to walk to Liberty Park and that Thai place on the corner of 5th and 13th. Of course there are things I don’t miss and reasons why I can never go back. At least not to our old apartment and probably not even our old neighborhood. But I still savor the familiarity of my old stomping ground. I hope I can feel that eventually for this place.
What is it like to sleep in on the weekends? I no longer remember. It seems like forever since I rolled over on a Saturday and read twelve noon on the clock.
Today after I put your babies down - yes, your babies; two boys, just like you always imagined - I decided the time for a shower was now or never. I started looking for my contacts so I wouldn't be blind and unable to see any spiders that might be waiting to ambush me as soon as I got into the shower. Yeah, still have that phobia. Anyways, I remembered the (nearly) two-year-old playing with the case earlier in the day but was unable to locate said contacts. Besides, they are nearly 6 months old and I can only wear them for a couple of hours before they start killing my eyes. I've been meaning to make an appointment and get a new rX and all that. But the feeding schedule of my newborn has made that all but impossible. I haven't dyed my hair in almost two months. You would be shocked if you could see my roots right now.
I never did get that shower. But with both babies asleep in this quiet house I started thinking about you. I'm trying to remember how it feels to be you again: me, sans stretch marks and a mortgage. Nothing ever turns out the way you think it's going to. Luckily for us it's better than you imagined. Harder in some ways, but also so much more enjoyable; it's a life to be envied.
I just wanted to let you know that. It does get better. It's okay that you have no idea what you're doing. So please stop worrying about it. Everything is going to work out for you. I know you feel lost right now but you're mid-twenties are looking mighty fine. So hang in there.
Danielle is my best childhood friend. A sister of sorts. We grew up down the street from each other and went through puberty together. It's a bond that can't be broken. And now she is getting hitched. When you get married and you're only nineteen, it's extra exciting when your friends start catching up. And I couldn't have picked a more perfect husband for her, no joke.
Ummm... did I say the hormones have subsided? Silly girl. I must have been on the downswing when I wrote that. Or drunk? Maybe someone spiked my drink. I am trying though. But how much does trying count for when it's entirely out of my control?
Last night I got REALLY tired around 9 pm. So I thought I would get Drew to sleep, clean up a little and do dishes, and then go to bed early. Two hours later I was still sitting in the rocking chair, holding a binky in his mouth. I couldn't put him down without the baby alarm going off as he would immediately spit out his bink and SCREAM. Suddenly all I could see was how messy my house was and all the other things I should be taking care of before I went to bed. But there was no end in sight. And I started to cry.
Even I realize how silly that sounds the morning after. None of that stuff matters next to the little baby in my arms or the toddler tearing apart the kitchen right now. But in the moment I just felt so trapped and there was nothing to do but cry.
Thankfully I have Zach. He cleaned up the house and then, when the baby wouldn't even be soothed by nursing, took him for a ride in the car to get him to sleep. I don't know how single mothers do it.
I know I'm going to look back and miss these days - in fact, a country song told me so the other day in the car and I started bawling. But today I'm just trying to hold it together.
Wow. Two kids. It's so much harder and yet so much easier than I ever imagined.
Going from one child to two compared to going from zero to one has been a much smoother transition.When I brought Franky home from the hospital my whole life was transformed. I had become a mother. And not just a mother. A full-time, stay at home mom.
This time around I am fully aware of what I'm in for. The long nights. The worry. The love so fierce it aches at times. And yet I was still blown away by how instantaneous the connection was.
Baby Drew has turned out to be a dream baby, just like Franky. I have never had to endure a colicky baby (knock on wood) and I try and remember just how lucky I am.
I also feel like I'm coming down from the hormone-driven emotional duress that has been the past few months. I don't know how it got so bad but I was in a really dark place for a while. But I'm so so so happy to say that I really believe it was mainly hormone-related. I am a much happier person nowadays.
And it's especially easy to be happy on days like today. The sun is shining! And 0ur yard is nearing completion. We will soon be romping in the backyard on green green grass. My house is not in turmoil. I finished another baby blanket yesterday which for some reason makes me feel empowered. My boys are in good health and good spirits and we're getting ready to burn off some energy outside before naps. Then I'm going to get ready - like really do my hair and everything - because my baby brother is graduating today and I get to attend and play paparazzi. My darling sis-in-law is watching my big boy so I only have to take the baby which almost feels like vacation.