Monday, June 7, 2010

WHIIIIIIIINE

Ummm... did I say the hormones have subsided? Silly girl. I must have been on the downswing when I wrote that. Or drunk? Maybe someone spiked my drink. I am trying though. But how much does trying count for when it's entirely out of my control?

Last night I got REALLY tired around 9 pm. So I thought I would get Drew to sleep, clean up a little and do dishes, and then go to bed early. Two hours later I was still sitting in the rocking chair, holding a binky in his mouth. I couldn't put him down without the baby alarm going off as he would immediately spit out his bink and SCREAM. Suddenly all I could see was how messy my house was and all the other things I should be taking care of before I went to bed. But there was no end in sight. And I started to cry.

Even I realize how silly that sounds the morning after. None of that stuff matters next to the little baby in my arms or the toddler tearing apart the kitchen right now. But in the moment I just felt so trapped and there was nothing to do but cry.

Thankfully I have Zach. He cleaned up the house and then, when the baby wouldn't even be soothed by nursing, took him for a ride in the car to get him to sleep. I don't know how single mothers do it.

I know I'm going to look back and miss these days - in fact, a country song told me so the other day in the car and I started bawling. But today I'm just trying to hold it together.

Oi, motherhood is quite the ride.

love, ali

1 comment:

One Sassy Mama said...

Hey--I cry every time I hear that country song--and I don't have the PG hormone excuse.

I will never forget when Austin and Savannah were about 3 weeks old. Jeff was in SF trying to finish is 1st semester of MBA school and I was at my mom's. It was after midnight and both babies were screaming their heads off. I had a massive meltdown. The next thing I knew MY DAD (yes, my dad who goes to bed at 830 pm) got up, took a baby from me, and told me to get some sleep. It's a beautiful thing to have support from the Sumsion men!

PS Schools out, why don't you come hang at my house. It would be good times.