Friday, May 7, 2010

Guilty?

GUILT. It's heavy on my chest tonight. My baby is sick. Not my fetus baby. My Franky boy. He has had a fever all day. And he's clingy. And listless. He's so whiney. But also snuggly. So it kind of makes up for the whineyness.

And so after a few days of trying anything I can think of to get labor moving, I'm now praying I still have a few more days so I can get Franky through this before I turn his world upside down with a new sibling.

I keep thinking that I've selfishly put him in a situation that is going to drastically change the world as he knows it. It brings tears to my eyes. I love Franky more than anything else in he world and can't bear the thought of causing him pain. But at the same time I know he is going to be just fine. And that this is part of life. And a little brother could possibly be the best thing that's ever happened to him. Next to Tyke, of course.

I know a lot of this has to do with all of the hormonal changes going on right now and there are times when I feel out of control of my emotions. But usually after I cry for a while I feel a bit better and can go on with life.

That's my update. I'm a huge jumble of emotions. Happiness/despair/anxiousness/grateful...ness (does that count as an emotion?)

Hopefully my next blog post will include pictures of a newborn.

love, ali

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