Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Sock consultation

Hello, I'm Ali and I'm a Craigslist addict.

It's true, when I'm bored at work it's usually the first place I surf. That and KSL and Zach can attest to the fact that (to borrow a phrase from Nic) a famous online bargain shopper. I'll have to make a separate post about all of the amazing deals I've found online.

Anyways, it bring me to a hillarious little interaction I remember the other day. I found this posting on Craigslist offering a "free sock consultation". Naturally this peaked my interested so I emailed the guy:

I would like to sign up for a free sock consultation. My
really make me mad sometimes. It's like they never
stay where I put the
m and I'm always loosing one or the
other. Also, I really like ankle socks but I want them to
stay hidden in my shoes, not stretch out all over the place
and hang out over my heel!!

Here was his response:

Although I usually charge thousands of dollars just for a few minutes of sock consultation, I will make this one exception because you sound like a particularly depserate case. You say your socks make you mad. Good, that is the first step that one has to take in order to become master of their own socks. Now, take a deep breath, you are going to be o.k, even if your socks aren't.

The nature of socks is such that they will never stay in place as long as you want. Since most feet are constantly moving, sweating, and sliding around inside a shoe with a sock on it, the sock is powerless to help itself. Then the sock gets frustrated, sticky, and angry. An angry sock can do more damage that you would think, because now the sock wants revenge. And a vengeful sock is even more unpredictable than an angry sock. There is much debate and arguing if a sock can even be angry in the first place, but this is no place for talk such as this. It will only distract us from our goal, to never let a sock ride roughshod over you again!

Let me tell you about a sock that was giving me an immense amount of trouble. It was seemingly a fantastic sock. It was a smartwool running sock, white sole and instep, and a blue ankle band with a little smartwool man in black woven into the fabric. Even better, it was 50% off in a bargain sock bin. So I got two pairs. Well, at first the socks all performed beautifully without a hitch. Being merino wool, they were very soft, not itchy, and didn't get too funky, even if worn for an unusually long amount of time. They were preternaturally thin, like the diaphonous flim that would surround a phantasmic elemental appartition. One day, I washed a load of clothes, and the sock disapeared. I looked high and low for it and never could find it.
Well, to make a long story short, I found it six months later when it feel out of the inside of a shirt that I hadn't worn. So look inside your clothes! Well, I found that sock, and the same day I lost another sock under the same type of circumstances. Lesson to be learned; Let go of your attachment to ever finding the sock in the first place. That way if you ever do find the sock you will be thrilled, and if you don't find it, you will have inner peace.

As far as the ankle sock thing goes, you may have to search around for better quality ankle socks that fit snugly and won't be as prone to showing. Or get shoes that go up your ankle. Whatever you do, don't get those ankle socks like in the eighties with the little balls attached! If you do that, then you may be beyond all hope! I'm assuming that you must like the looks of your ankles since you want them to show. Just remember that in victorian times, even the ankles and feet of the furniture and pianos were considered vulgar and you could flash a dude just by pulling up your long skirt a few inches and showing some ankle! Ankle power is big medicine. Use your ankles for good, not for evil. Unless you are evil, and in that case use your ankles for evil because you gotta work what you got.

This officially ends our session. Like I said earlier, you seemed like a particularly desperate case, so I would consider another consultation.

Sock Hudson Jr.

Of course this guy couldn't be fore real. How long could he really keep it up?? I couldn't resist another interaction with this crazy individual. I responded:

As a child I did have a certain affiliation for socks with
ruffles at the top. I never did own a pair with little fuzzy
balls and I thank my lucky stars for that every day.

What about black socks? Are they more prone to evil because
they are the color of the night? And do the color of ones
socks influence the attitude of the wearer?
I rarely wear black socks but when I do, boy, do I get fired

And what about the old lady at my work who wears socks with
different cartoon characters on them? You would think
someone could wear these socks without much notice
from society but in her case she also has a taste for short
pants,and by that I mean pants that flood. Not shorts, thank

I would also like to know your history in sock consulting. Did it start out as a hobby or do you have formal training? Is it possible to become a "black belt" of sorts in sock consulting? Or is it more comparable to having a Masters of Sock Consulting?

Here's what he wrote back:

Children commonly have a penchant for ruffled socks. This fondness for ruffled socks, and other ruffled items is generally not a societal
handicap, unless, of course, the child is male. Over aeons of human evolution and cultural development, we are now at the stage in our unfoldment where ruffles are acceptable only for the feminal counterpart of the species. Although Louis XVI wore ruffles with nary a bit of awkward inhibitions. This cleary shows the cyclical nature of ruffles. Perhaps in the far future, ruffles and their cyclical nature will become a key indicator of important changes in the social structure.

Black socks are just that. Black socks. However, what is important is the meaning that we attach to the black sock. I have known some seriously evil people that wear white socks. I bet W wears white socks sometimes. A black sock can be an object of incredible beauty, and quickly became an instrument of death. Such an example would be if one was on a hike in the dead of winter. You look up and see what you think is a woodpecker in a pine tree. You get close to the base of the tree and are directly under what you think is a wildlife sighting. What you don't know is what is seemingly a glorious rare bird, is actually a black sock that has been cast out of a high altitude experimental aircraft. The pilot was taking a leak in the field behind
the airstrip before take off and had to wade through some knee high grass because the groundskeeper is away on an erotic tourism adventure in Thailand. God only knows what he is doing over there. You know those little spiky little stickers that the tops of grasses are comprised of? Well, some get stuck in the cuff of his sock and some go under the tongue flap of his pilot shoes. He tries to pick them out but the tip of one breaks off and lodges in the fabric. As he walks to the plane it bugs the #$@ out of him and he tries a couple more times to pick it out but he can't even see it, much less figure out where it is. He hops in the plane cause times a wastin and he needs to test out the plane cause that is what he does for a living, goddamnit, and he
is proud to be a test pilot. The three kids at home he can deal with, the wife, she's allright but she is always on his case to quit going to the titty bar. Shit, if she was flying one of these untested planes, maybe she would see why he needs to blow off a little steam at the titty bar with his buddies. Around 16,000 feet, cruising at around 600 mph, that little sticker really gets to him. He tries to itch it and spills his Tang on his feet. Frustrated, he takes off his now soaking sticky shoe and sock. Since this is a prototype test plane, it doesn't have electric windows so he has to roll it down. He tosses his sock out the window where it flattens as a result of the air turbulence and instantly freezes solid. It falls and falls and falls,
getting sharper and more like a whirling knifeblade. It's fall is broken by a dense canopy of trees and it eventually becomes precariously perched on a limb. Now you come along and think it is a woodpecker, but you can't help it because maybe you have bad eyesight, or you just don't know what a bird looks like. A slight breeze comes along and the sock teeters off the limb and falls straight down, hitting you right between the eyes! What was a woodpecker, is now a macabre machete. So if the black socks get you fired up, get down!

The old lady at your work and her short pants are like a barometric machination. She can be viewed as an indicator species, so to speak.
Just like creatures of an amphibious origin, because of their natural absorbability of their skin, are the first to die as an ecosystem
becomes toxic, your co-worker is of the same nature. In order for such things as cheaply made tweety bird and Taz socks, a large economic empire must exist. And if such things are ubiquitous and easily observable, you can draw the conclusion that the empire has existed for a considerable amount of time. As history shoes that empires decline sharply once they reach their critical mass, you can also draw the conclusion that we are all screwed. But at least you can have comfy socks on while chaos ensues.

The history of sock consulting has always been shrouded in mystery. Long, long ago, the intricacies of cosmic truths were passed down from medicine man to acolyte, and shaman to shaman. Sometimes, although not in great frequency, individuals were born with an intrinsic understanding of socks. They may not have been able to tell you where socks came from, or what socks even were in the first place, because some ancient cultures didn't even have socks. But they could maybe help you with some other chores such as coconut chopping or hut building. It has been said that one can't learn the art of sock
consultation without first unlearning all they think they know about socks. The harder one tries to pull on a resistant sock, the more adurous the task becomes. One needs to release their attachment to the outcome of the sock experience, and bask in the sock experience itself. Such is the art of sock consultation. Oh, and the internet helps too.

Sock Hudson Jr.

I don't remember why I never emailed him back after this final sock consultation but after finding this among many saved emails I couldn't just not share the giddiness I feel when I try to comprehend what kind of person first of all, posts an ad like this on Craigslist, and then elaborates on and on about socks. It kind of reminds me of playing Ink Link at Ben and Eds and drawing Barney over and over again regardless of what our actually word was. LOL, the other players would get so mad but sometimes there was one who really got it and thought we were hillarious.


1 comment:

One Sassy Mama said...

That is so funny--you are a crazy girl.