Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Reminiscing

Remember LiveJournal? Mine is rather sad. Not because of what it is but because of where I was at that time in my life. It was my "blog" from high school to marriage and a little beyond. It was so crazy to go back and read the whole thing and remember all the crazy thoughts and the crazy things I did when I was young and rebellious. I remember feeling so depressed all of the time and yet SO happy a lot of the time. I guess it was more adrenaline then actual happiness but still, some really good memories.

Back then I pretty much flew by the seat of my pants. I was passionate about some things, including writing and mostly the friendships I had with people. Some of them were REALLY great and some of them were REALLY destructive. I broke some hearts and had mine broken as well. I really regret some of the things I did to a few of the guys I dated. Mostly one... I really hurt people for selfish reasons and that's something I'll never truly forgive myself for, no matter how many excuses I had.

I hope Frankleberries never has to go through some of the things I went through as a teenager but at the time same time they made me who I am today. For me, at least, there are things I did as a wreckless kid that I will never tell my children about but I think they will help me be a better parent.

I think a lot of times it's easy to author your blog or your MySpace or even your journal to portray yourself in a way you'd like others to view you, not necessarily the way you are. I think I definitely do that occasionally and reading my LiveJournal was at times a little too real for me. But it's good to be able to look back and see how far you've come.

Here's a little excerpt from my LiveJournal that I'm glad I wrote:

i am more content with myself now than i have ever been. i've been dealing with the anxiety of living, rather than just ignoring it or covering it up with meaningless addictions or following every little compulsion. and the funny thing is that dealing makes it go away. confronting the things you don't like about yourself, that is dealing with the anxiety. i guess i've just been better at trusting my destiny, taking things as they come while at the same time determining the direction i want to go, and consequentially the things i need to do.

I'm one of those crazy girls that has had a journal since I was six years old. I've got about a dozen paper journals and then I've got my LiveJournal. After LiveJournal (which really caused my paper-journaling to take a beating) I stopped writing for a LONG time. I am usually only inspired to journal when I'm going through a REALLY hard time and then I look back on some of those entries and wish I hadn't written them at all. But sometimes reading old journals really inspires me to start up again.

So I'm recommitting myself to paper-journaling. If there's one thing I've learned since my days of wreckles abandonment it's how to follow-through. So here I go. Wish me luck!


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