Friday, December 28, 2007
AUGH!! We hadn't REALLY tried until this past month whereas before we just weren't not trying. It's been about 5 months since I got off the pill and today two was our lucky number.
Since we started "not-not-trying" I'd found myself dissapointed each time I started a new period. But about a week ago I was lying in bed thinking about babies. When the most serene feeling came over me. I actually felt like I was pregnant right then and Heavenly Father was telling me not to sweat it. Ever since then I've had a little inkling I was pregnant but wouldn't let myself be swept up by it just in case it was only wishful thinking.
So tonight we celebrate. We used the $50 gift card I got from my work and went out to the Market Street Grill for dinner. Zach kept making little jokes and calling me "mama." It doesn't seem entirely real yet, that I'll be a mom. That Zach will be a dad. He's going to be such a great daddy. I am so excited to start our little family with him.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
I could probably spend house looking up hillarious anecdotes like the one about the best friends who secretly think of each other as a sidekick. Or the one about the kid who's embarassed because his mom's an ativist.
Sometimes I just look up random stuff and laugh so loud. But then Zach points out that the neighbors will hear because my laugh is "punchy". But I don't think my laughter is annoying to them. I certainly don't find the sound of their baby crying annoying.
Work is insanely busy right now. Every client wants some miracle at the end of the year. And although I'm happy to provide miracles when possible, it has made my life a lot more stressful.
I took some applications downtown this morning to a doc who works up in the Avenues. You know how sometimes you meet someone who, from the first instant, radiates such amazing energy that you immediately admire them? That's how I felt about this guy. He was just warm and humble and even though there were charts and stacks of papers all over his office he was so collected and just... kind.
I hope to be someone like that one day. I think it's easy to feel overwhelmed at the thought of living up to your potential. But, as Zach has said to me many a time, you can't expect to know who you are when you're 22. I feel like I've only begun to understand my true potential and what I want out of life.
That's the problem with marrying a 19 year old. You have to be willing to love that person as they grow up. Zach was 25 when we got married and well on his way to a degree and a career. I was just a year out of high school and struggling immensely with the issues that all new high school graduates face. I'd just sent Jared out on his mission 6 months before, I was struggling with my testimony and my self-worth as a newly single young adult. I was in a constant power struggle with my parents as an 18-year-old living under their roof. I was just so young and immature and selfish. Sometimes I wonder if he had known what he was getting himself into if we'd still be here today.
But I know that timing is everything and if I had let him slip by I might not be with him today.
I feel so lucky and yet, at times, so overwhelmed. I know I just need to chill out because everything will work out but sometimes it's easy to be stressed out about big things that will eventually be better with time. I guess it's really an issue of impatience.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Last week Danielle got her mission call: Houston, TX - Spanish speaking. Holding that packet in my hands made it so real to me. Although she doesn't leave until March 5th I still felt a twinge of sadness when the excitement died down at her house that night. I will miss her. She's been my best friend since 2nd grade. We've been through so much together.
I remember the weekend before we moved to Draper, spending all of our time sobbing in her bedroom and talking about all of the whacky times we'd shared that only teenage girls ever share. I felt so distraught that I wouldn't be able to walk down 6 houses and be on her doorstep when I needed her.
I remember my wedding day and how she was the first face I found when we came out of the temple. I remember her "toast" at our wedding lunch, not so much the words but rather the feeling that somehow I was about to step out of my childhood. And she had been such an enormous part of that.
I have a vivid memory of the day of her dad's funeral. I rode with her in the hearse to the gravesite. She was wearing a skirt and heels and a big, heavy coat but she was shivering like crazy. That day is so surreal to me. It was almost like watching a movie of your life, not actually living it. She was so broken and yet so strong.
I've never had someone this close to me leave on a mission. Of course there was the missionary I sent out after high school whom I eventually dear-johned but that was different. When Jared left I felt a sense of desperation, the likes of which I haven't felt since. I knew when he left that we would never regain what we were about to lose.
The thought of Danielle leaving brings about a different feeling of sadness. Like there's a prayer in my heart that the Lord won't let her change into someone I no longer know. But I just have to believe that she'll be better for this and that we'll always have the connection that only sisters have.
I love you Danielle!